We’ve all been there: you find yourself driving by a certain part of town when you see the sign for a “Massage Parlor” or “Asian Spa” in a spot that doesn’t obligate a massage parlor or have a single Asian person living nearby, and using your Russell-Crowe-like mind you cracked this code and read the sign as it was intended to be read: “Handjobs ‘R Us.”

Instantly your mind is flooded with thoughts: “How much would this sort of thing cost me?” “What do I get?” “Is this illegal?” “Are they all Asian?” You end up putting the thought in the back of your brain where all unlikely sexual scenarios go—until one day…

Maybe you broke up with your girlfriend, maybe you just got paid, or maybe your internet is down, but you find your mind wandering to the thought of the parlor. You decide to walk in… you know… just to research it, and find yourself instantly lost: What do I do? Where do I go? Why are there stains in the lobby?

Fortunately for you, I have researched this subject and can now confidently tell you the proper way to go about getting wanked off.

1. Dress the Part

Naked massage at Asian massage parlor

First of all, avoid a police outfit. You may think it’s funny, but the girls certainly won’t. You’re going to want to wear something that walks the line between “I just stumbled in here” and “I’m prepared to whip out my penis immediately.” Shorts and a t-shirt are preferred because they can be taken on and off easily. Button up shirts should be avoided because putting them on while you’re absorbed by overwhelming guilt is difficult, and you’re likely to miss a button.

As opposed to all those PUBLIC baths we’re forced to take, living in Ancient Rome and all.Try not to show off and wear your best clothes because a) You’re dealing with whores who don’t really care, and b) These types of establishments rarely splurge on luxuries like hooks and hangers for you to store your wardrobe.

Underwear choice is also important. Wear loose-fitting boxers that you won’t be embarrassed being seen in (avoid silk, you don’t want to look trashier than your “date”).

Inner Voice: Alright let’s do this, we’re getting a rub and tug! Woo!
Penis: Yay!
Inner Voice: Alright so what do we wear? Is this like a formal date?
Penis: Who cares, it’s all going on the floor. Know why? Because someone is gonna touch me today!!

2. The New Guy

Oriental massage parlor and spa
Find an Asian spa near you.

Picture a wild animal walking into a rave—that’s your inspiration for the entire time you’re at the parlor. Look around aimlessly—the walls, the ceiling, the floor, anything but the girls working. When you’re finally approached and asked if you want a massage, you should simply grunt, nod your head, and continue to look around.

Sometimes you’ll be asked if you have ever been to a massage parlor before, in which case you should say no and don’t really know how this works. You will be asked how long you want the massage to be, and the secret here is to be as frugal as possible. Pick the lowest price, because that’s just the money that goes to the owner (pimp); the girls make money from tips. Don’t try to be suggestive at this point, because you’re just going to come off looking like an idiot, and God forbid the escort doesn’t respect you. When the girl leads you to the room, she’ll tell you she needs to go get ready and you should undress and lay down. Take off everything except your boxers and lay face-down and wait for the girl to come back.

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Inner Voice: Wow, this place is disgusting, why is the air so damp? Do I want to know?
Penis: Alright, I see ladies. Lots of cleavage too, I’m getting up for this.
Inner Voice: Cool it, act nonchalant, we’re being approached.
Whore: Hey there, are you interested in a massage?
You: Um…yeah sure. I’ll just take the half hour massage, what does that include?
Whore: It includes a massage…that’s all we do here, is give massages.
Penis: Giggidy!

3. You Do What Here?!

Asian massage woman at a parlor

This is the most important part of the procedure. When the girl walks in, you should be relaxed; the fact that you’re face down should hide your raging erection caused by the low-cut top she is wearing. As she starts giving you the most half-assed back massage ever, start the small talk with her. Talk about where she’s from, where you’re from, really anything other than her milking your cock. Brownie points if you tell her to really “get in deep on the shoulders” because of your pickup basketball mishap.

By the time she finishes your rubdown you should be comfortable with her in a masseuse/client type of way. When she hints at the mention of a handjob, do your best “deer-in-a-rave” impression again; scrunch your brow, look around aimlessly, shift in one place, and try to look as uncomfortable as possible. She should pick up on the fact that you really are a rookie at this and will go about explaining the price to you. When she does, look around like you want to leave (start putting on your t-shirt for dramatic effect) and mention something about only having $20. Then watch the magic happen.

Whore: *Random small talk you don’t need to listen to*
Penis: When does she touch me?
Inner Voice: Good question, I’m getting tired of listening to her talk about her haircut.
Whore: So, do you want me to touch…down there?
Penis: Jackpot!
You: Um…er…wow…I didn’t know…wow…I only have like, $20.

4. Fuck It, I’m Here Anyway

Massage lotions Chinese
Skip the lotions assuredly made in China.

Ask her to give you a verbal menu, how much everything costs and what you get. You should lament the fact that you only have $20 but since you’re here anyway you’ll take what you can get. At this point she’ll either encourage you to get more money or simply do the job right there because of the rapport you guys have built up.

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Most likely, though, she’ll want more money. Tell her you’re broke and make up another story about how your pet just died or you just sent all of your money to a Nigerian prince. If this fails immediately make sure you display the twenty dollar bill. Escorts aren’t like normal humans because their senses are trained to recognize the sight and smell of money and they become physically stimulated by it, causing them to throw caution to the wind. In short, it’s like fucking opium to them.

She’ll succumb eventually and will begin to work her magic. If she’s truly pissed you’re not giving her more than $20 then prepare for a standard (if magical) wank. If she doesn’t mind the pay cut, you may be able to talk her into taking off her top, allowing you to fondle her while she fondles you. It’s a win-win! If she gives you the option of lotion or no lotion, choose no lotion—that way you get the most for your money, plus you won’t need to worry about her using some knock-off lead-based lotion straight out of China that’s going to make your dick explode into hives after twenty minutes.

You: So how much is this going to cost?
Whore: Well it’s $40 if you want a handjob and $80 for a blowjob.
You: I really only have the $20 so what are my options?

Scenario 1

Whore: Alright well I guess I can make an exception, just because you’re cute.
Penis: Wooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Scenario 2

Whore: Well there’s an ATM in the lobby.
You: I know, but this was my last $60. See I got this email that told me that a Nigerian king recently died and his son needed my bank account information to move a few million around. For some reason when I checked my account, everything was cleaned out, but I think it’s just temporary. Point is, I don’t have any money.
Whore: Your story sounds believable and I will proceed to touch your junk.
Penis: Wooooooooooooooooo!!!!

5. Awkward Aftermath

After you’re done she’ll most likely throw some paper towels your way and tell you to clean up. Do this quickly and get dressed as if you were a firefighter rushing for a five-alarm blaze after being awoken at 2am. Try to ignore the waves of guilt washing over your body as you do this. A standard “thank you” is appreciated but not compulsory, seeing as how you’ll never visit this place again. Walk/sprint out of the parlor while keeping your eyes to the ground and your shoulders square (in case someone gets in your way) and proceed to your car. Feel free to sit in your vehicle for a few minutes to sob quietly to yourself about what your life has become.

Penis: That was fantastic, we should get a membership there or something.
Inner Voice: I…what have I done, oh my god. Why?
Penis: Giggidy.

Happy ending!

Caution: This guide will work 83% of the time, depending on how upscale the venue is and how many girls are working.

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