Have you ever just wanted to slap a bitch or kick a douche in the balls? Well, the last thing you need on your permanent record is assault and battery, so I would highly advise against physical violence…unless, of course, you’re absolutely certain you won’t be identified. In the event you choose to go this route, there are some very affordable ski masks available online or at your local burglar and rapist outfitters.
For the rest of you, here are some covert tactics you can employ, at little or no expense, which will be infinitely more entertaining to you and your friends than kicking the bastard in the balls or otherwise inflicting fleeting physical pain. These tactics, when executed correctly, will exact humiliation, pain, and suffering on your victim.
Note: For brevity’s sake, and to avoid gender specific pronouns as much as possible, the receiver of torment will from this point forward be referred to as “the Bitch.”
Step 1: Feign Intimacy
Report the Bitch’s vehicle stolen so they get pulled over the next time a cop sees them.If you don’t know the Bitch intimately, become close. Work your way up from being acquaintances to best buddies, fuck buddies, or lovers. If possible, don’t reveal your malevolent intentions to anyone. You want your close friendship or relationship with the Bitch to be as believable as possible. But don’t be an idiot and fall for the ruse yourself, like the classic spy movie twist where the chick sleeps with her target then falls in love and fucks up the mission. Don’t do that.
Step 2: Initiate Reconnaissance
This step is the most crucial in the plan, because without certain information, it will be very difficult to go about anything in Step 3. Luckily, with free public records search engines, such as ZabaSearch and Intelius, it’s easy to find a lot of information about anyone with only a name or phone number. You can also go old school and Google the Bitch’s name, instant messenger handle, or email address to dig up information, sketchy associations (for instance, a profile on TransgenderSwingers.com), pictures, and anything else that could come in handy later.
Another resource you can use is your local sheriff’s office website, where you can search arrest and jail records for the Bitch’s name. If they have ever been booked by that county, you can see all the details, from the time of arrest to all prior offenses. Most people don’t have any arrests to hide, but if they do then you’ve hit the jackpot.
Step 3: Execute Vendetta
On to the fun part. Don’t be surprised if you feel the uncontrollable urge to let out sardonic, maniacal laughing. MUHAHAHA.
I’ll offer some ideas here, but be creative! Bonus points for originality! For some of these ideas, you’ll need to start another email account that cannot be linked to you. If you’re really paranoid or are doing something that could be found to be a breach of privacy (like posting naked pictures without consent to post them) use a public access computer so the IP address can’t be traced back to you.
- Make a Facebook profile with the profile picture set to an indecent shot of the Bitch, then add all of their friends.
- Post a Craigslist ad under “men seeking men” (for a straight guy)—or something equally embarrassing for any other gender/orientation—so the Bitch will receive a steady flow of colorful calls/texts/instant messages from friendly locals looking to have a good time. (You have to be careful with this one though, because you can’t impersonate anyone by using his/her name or contact information on the actual Craigslist posting.)
- Make reservations for a cab or limo for a pickup at ungodly hours of the morning or night on days you know the Bitch has off from work and will be home. (The only possible problem with this is that most taxi services will call in advance to confirm a reservation.)
- If you have access to the Bitch’s voicemail, change the greeting to something inappropriate…like a phone sex operator recording.
- If the Bitch shares a mailbox with a roommate, request that literature from the Church of Scientology and sex toy catalogs be sent to their address in Bitch’s name.
- If you have access to their phone provider and account, change the password, then jack up the phone bill with added services.
- Report the Bitch’s vehicle stolen so they get pulled over the next time a cop sees them driving around (have the license plate and vehicle description ready).
- Subscribe to spammers with the Bitch’s email address.
- Send dirt (pictures, arrest record, etc.) to the Bitch’s parents or other family members if you can find their mailing address or email address.
- Pretend to be a customer where the Bitch works, then complain to the manager or file a formal complaint.
Step 4: Maintain Anonymity
After a few days (or hours), the Bitch will most likely contact you, kindly requesting that you cease the tormenting. You may be tempted to give a quick-witted rebuttal, something to the effect of, “You had it coming,” but refrain. Whatever you do, don’t say anything that could be construed as admission of guilt. The best response: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” End of conversation. Then continue to watch as the Bitch squirms in discomfort and humiliation.
Step 5: Move On
Don’t let the Bitch’s memory taint the quality of your life. After successfully carrying out the above steps, let it go, and move on with your life. Whoever the Bitch is, nothing will hurt them more than to see that you really don’t give a shit about them, that you have moved on and found success in your job, relationship, school, or new friendships.
If the Bitch was in your circle of friends before, exclude them from things you do together or refuse to acknowledge the Bitch when you’re out with your friends. If the Bitch was an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, go on dates with other people in very public places or tell your friends how much better your new partner is in bed than that last guy/girl…what was their name?
It’s best just to play nice, as a general rule, but when someone fucks you over, there’s nothing more pathetic than being a sap who sits at home and cries about it. Don’t take people’s shit, but at the same time, don’t start World War III over nothing. Ever the advocate of peaceful resistance, I will end with this: sometimes the best solution is to simply say, “Fuck you, cunnilingus mother fucking dickhole,” and walk away…just walk away.