Since I'm on the go and can't be bothered to carry a notebook with me and never thought to buy a portable voice recorder, I send text messages to myself to remind me of column ideas or jokes that I think are funny. But the truth is, most of the time I text myself, I'm in that twilight area between sleep and consciousness. Or I'm really wasted. Read More »

The Setup

Lunch break time during one of my summer jobs—at the time I worked as a professional mover in Denver.

The Players

Jay: Old white guy. Swears a lot. Read More »

(Scene: KC drives in his complete chick magnet Ford Focus on the highway during rush hour Denver traffic.)

BRAIN: Oh my God this is fucking awful! I'm fucking freaking out man. Look at all these cars and how fast they're going! Give me a fucking Valium. Read More »

(Scene: A dark hospital corridor near the morgue. Orderlies run around trying to figure out why all the body bags are moving and what all the banging is from the corpse cooling machine. A body covered by a sheet moves into the shot. Then it sits up revealing the incredibly handsome [but alas, dead] face of everybody's favorite person in the world: KC!)

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I'm a paranoid smoker. Mostly because I worry that everybody knows I'm high. But the fact is, everybody does know I'm high because my eyes get big, I laugh at everything, and I constantly look around at stuff or get distracted by shiny colors. Read More »

No matter how hard I complain, somehow, the scum of the earth keeps breeding. So here you are, your first and final warning. Don't date these people.

1. Anybody with an Ankle Bracelet Read More »

The offensive lineman. The assistant to the President of the United States of America. The dude who shovels the elephant poo at the circus. These are the unsung heroes that make our everyday lives livable. Read More »

The University of Colorado Swim Team ranks as the most quote heavy group I've ever hung out with of all my friends. I swam in the CU Black, Gold and Silver Swim Meet, in which the alumni-athletes race the current swimmers. Most grape smugglers I've known are the foulest-mouthed degenerates I've ever met, which is why I like them. Read More »

I was okay with Zima and Smirnoff Ice—girls and weenies need something to drink too. Grape-flavored vodka rubbed me the wrong way, but I accepted it as I've accepted vodka-infused sweet tea. I just grunted when my friends offered me raspberry beer—even though I adore raspberries. But now...now I'm getting angry. Read More »

Eventually, your savings account, book deal, and welfare runs out. So you've got to get a job. Employment mostly sucks and you've got no profitable skills, except for that thing you do with your mouth, but you don't want to do that to gross people. Read More »

Surely your parents warned you about being the town drunk. He smells bad, drinks warm Steel Reserve out of a paper bag, and yells at college kids whenever he's conscious enough to yell. The town drunk is so obnoxious, loud, and stinky that no bar, fast food restaurant, or needle exchange will allow him inside, so he generally pisses either on himself or the walls of buildings. Read More »

NOTE: I'm at the age when my friends marry. Deez Nupts are tales from weddings, but mostly the drinkin' that happens.

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NOTE: I'm at the age when my friends marry. Deez Nupts are tales from weddings, but mostly the drinkin' that happens.

Read More »

The last time I was online trying to give pound puppies to unadopted orphans, I came across an advertisement for the MySpace of Sex. It was just another adult site with professional porn stars posed in low res photos to make them look like your hotter-than-average-everyday amateur. But what if there really was a MySpace of Sex.... Read More »

"I only drink on two occasions, when I'm with people and when I'm alone."
   -Joe Namath

Mandatory Listening: "I Drink Alone" by George Thorogood Read More »