Texts From Last Night (To Myself)
By Casey Freeman November 19, 2009Since I'm on the go and can't be bothered to carry a notebook with me and never thought to buy a portable voice recorder, I send text messages to myself to remind me of column ideas or jokes that I think are funny. But the truth is, most of the time I text myself, I'm in that twilight area between sleep and consciousness. Or I'm really wasted. Read More »
What I Did When I Turned 18
By Casey Freeman November 9, 2009The Setup
Lunch break time during one of my summer jobs—at the time I worked as a professional mover in Denver.
The Players
Jay: Old white guy. Swears a lot. Read More »
My Organs and I Drive to Denver
By Casey Freeman November 4, 2009(Scene: KC drives in his complete chick magnet Ford Focus on the highway during rush hour Denver traffic.)
BRAIN: Oh my God this is fucking awful! I'm fucking freaking out man. Look at all these cars and how fast they're going! Give me a fucking Valium. Read More »
My Organs and I Return... From the Dead
By Casey Freeman October 29, 2009(Scene: A dark hospital corridor near the morgue. Orderlies run around trying to figure out why all the body bags are moving and what all the banging is from the corpse cooling machine. A body covered by a sheet moves into the shot. Then it sits up revealing the incredibly handsome [but alas, dead] face of everybody's favorite person in the world: KC!)
Stoned Candy Adventure
By Casey Freeman October 27, 2009I'm a paranoid smoker. Mostly because I worry that everybody knows I'm high. But the fact is, everybody does know I'm high because my eyes get big, I laugh at everything, and I constantly look around at stuff or get distracted by shiny colors. Read More »
Don't Date These People
By Casey Freeman October 20, 2009No matter how hard I complain, somehow, the scum of the earth keeps breeding. So here you are, your first and final warning. Don't date these people.
1. Anybody with an Ankle Bracelet Read More »
11 Awesome Things About Being a Barback
By Casey Freeman October 13, 2009
The offensive lineman. The assistant to the President of the United States of America. The dude who shovels the elephant poo at the circus. These are the unsung heroes that make our everyday lives livable. Read More »
Alumni Swim Team Snippets
By Casey Freeman October 6, 2009The University of Colorado Swim Team ranks as the most quote heavy group I've ever hung out with of all my friends. I swam in the CU Black, Gold and Silver Swim Meet, in which the alumni-athletes race the current swimmers. Most grape smugglers I've known are the foulest-mouthed degenerates I've ever met, which is why I like them. Read More »
Drink Like a Man
By Casey Freeman September 30, 2009I was okay with Zima and Smirnoff Ice—girls and weenies need something to drink too. Grape-flavored vodka rubbed me the wrong way, but I accepted it as I've accepted vodka-infused sweet tea. I just grunted when my friends offered me raspberry beer—even though I adore raspberries. But now...now I'm getting angry. Read More »
11 Awesome Things About Being a Bartender
By Casey Freeman September 23, 2009
Eventually, your savings account, book deal, and welfare runs out. So you've got to get a job. Employment mostly sucks and you've got no profitable skills, except for that thing you do with your mouth, but you don't want to do that to gross people. Read More »
Don't Be the Town Stoner
By Casey Freeman September 15, 2009Surely your parents warned you about being the town drunk. He smells bad, drinks warm Steel Reserve out of a paper bag, and yells at college kids whenever he's conscious enough to yell. The town drunk is so obnoxious, loud, and stinky that no bar, fast food restaurant, or needle exchange will allow him inside, so he generally pisses either on himself or the walls of buildings. Read More »
Deez Nupts 2009: Shipping Up to Boston
By Casey Freeman September 9, 2009NOTE: I'm at the age when my friends marry. Deez Nupts are tales from weddings, but mostly the drinkin' that happens.
Deez Nupts 2009: The End of a Mother Effing Era
By Casey Freeman September 1, 2009NOTE: I'm at the age when my friends marry. Deez Nupts are tales from weddings, but mostly the drinkin' that happens.
The MySpace of Sex
By Casey Freeman August 27, 2009The last time I was online trying to give pound puppies to unadopted orphans, I came across an advertisement for the MySpace of Sex. It was just another adult site with professional porn stars posed in low res photos to make them look like your hotter-than-average-everyday amateur. But what if there really was a MySpace of Sex.... Read More »
The Socially Acceptable Guide to Drinking Alone
By Casey Freeman August 17, 2009"I only drink on two occasions, when I'm with people and when I'm alone."
-Joe Namath
Mandatory Listening: "I Drink Alone" by George Thorogood Read More »














