It’s time to settle who’s the greatest of all time once and for all. Is it His Airness? Or is it King James? Or is it the baby goat Mr. Floppy Ears reigning over his subjects while they’re crouched on all fours?

We’ve developed an air-tight system for GOAT-measuring that is very thorough and good.


Scoring

MJ has 10 scoring titles while LeBron has one. Baby Goat does not play basketball so that’d be zero for him.

Winner: Jordan


Defense

Did you forget Jordan won Defensive Player of the Year? Baby Goat didn’t. He always looked up to Mike for playing both ends of the floor, and also because he was six feet shorter than him. Despite his admiration, Baby Goat couldn’t stop a downward dog if he tried. LeBron’s best defensive effort came from justifying his decision to bail on Cleveland for Miami.

Winner: Jordan


Free Throw Shooting

Jordan shot a lifetime 83.5% from the charity stripe. LeBron, 73.9%. Baby Goat, if you aren’t petting him or giving him milk—kid hits free shots to the ribs without a miss.

Winner: Baby Goat


Acting

Michael Jordan dazzled us all with his profound character portrayal in Space Jam. LeBron James acts like a baby after every single call. Baby Goat is in tons of YouTube videos acting pretty adorable.

Winner: LeBron


Leadership

Mike found a way to shepherd the likes of Dennis Rodman to winning titles. Baby Goat absolutely hates shepherds. But he loves sporadically giving micro massages to strangers. If LeBron were a shepherd, he’d probably lead his best sheepdog Kyrie Irving off to Boston.

Winner: Tie


Hooves

Air Jordan revolutionized the sneaker industry and pretty much all of popular culture with his famous line of kicks made by Nike. LeBron signed a $1 billion deal with Nike. Baby Goat has always complained Nike runs about a half size too small for his taste and prefers the two-pronged sole he was born with.

Winner: Baby Goat


Passing

Let’s not beat around the bush, Mike was a shoot-first kinda player. And while LeBron looks to create more opportunities for key teammates, Baby Goat looks to create a unique exercise environment for anyone with a brightly colored mat. Baby Goat is the John Stockton of yoga.

Winner: Baby Goat


Hair

Baby Goat’s hair is suuuper soft. And uniquely colorful. LeBron’s hair works like a defective Chia Pet. Jordan had a Hitler stache.

Winner: Baby Goat


Dunking

Come Fly with Me? Ever heard of it? 42 minutes of VHS-quality aerial attacks on the rim by a guy with the word “air” in his nickname, featuring the indelible hit single “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin. LeBron James has never heard of the band Berlin, I bet. Baby Goat’s go-to karaoke song is “Take My Breath Away” where he bleats the chorus in notes higher than anyone who’s ever played the game.

Winner: Berlin


Mountain Climbing

Michael and LeBron do not like mountain climbing. They’re just not any good at it. Conversely, Baby Goat can scale a mountain like he climbs the latissimus dorsi.

Winner: Baby Goat


Outside Shooting

LeBron’s jumper has improved you say? That may be true, but Jordan made a living on the shake and fade J. Baby Goat, on the other hand, he’ll drop a dump outside anywhere he pleases. The guy’s all day. Can’t be stopped. He’ll poop 'til the lights go out and keep on pooping.

Winner: Tie between Jordan and LeBron (not sure poop wins championships)


Championships

Speaking of championships, we know Jordan has six rings and LeBron has only three. But neither of them have two tags like Baby Goat. Do the math.

Winner: Baby Goat


Ultimate GOAT

After reviewing everything it takes to be the best, we’re actually further from an answer than we’ve ever been—so just keep on arguing about it!

We're now accepting list submissions! Although we're contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.