Insomnia affects roughly 60 million Americans, and therefore it also affects at least 50 million partners of insomniacs, who are kept awake by the love of their life counting sheep out loud, a practice all adults should have abandoned by now.
Here are some strategies to help your partner deal with their insomnia so you can get through the goddamn night.
A Warm Glass of Milk
Since your partner does not plan to call Dr. Winter again about their insomnia so please stop asking, try frothing up a glass of warm milk before bedtime. Warm milk has the benefit of being soothing and flavorful enough to hide doses of Melatonex, a sleep aid that your partner insists doesn’t work even though they only tried it that one time after drinking three double espressos.
Your partner will wake up refreshed and not testy, like the time you suggested they sleep in the guest room if they were going to roll over and sigh dramatically every four minutes.
White Noise Machine
Maybe your partner tosses and turns because of the scratching tree branch on the window that they’ve promised they’ll trim for six Saturdays in a row. Get a white noise machine to drown out the “tap-tap-taps” and the “for-god’s-sake-when-you-jiggle-your-leg-it-shakes-my-side-of-the-bed-toos.”
Dampening both sound and emotion is key in a good partnership.
Ban Devices in the Bedroom
Some experts, such as Dr. Winter, blame sleep issues on the blue light from phones and tablets. From your own study (sample size of 2), playing Clash of Clans on an iPhone until 3:42 AM does keep everyone awake.
Barring devices from the bedroom will keep your partner leveling up on the couch so you can drift off to dreamland without listening to aggravated reminders that you need to stop making their insomnia all about you.
Aromatherapy
Since aromatherapy is the only type of therapy your partner is willing to try, spray their pillow with an expensive mist of jasmine and eucalyptus essential oils. Line the headboard with flameless scented candles that the saleswoman at Bed Bath & Beyond promises smell as strong as real candles but won’t risk a fire.
The soothing smells will help your partner relax enough to sleep and will remind you of your honeymoon in Bali, the last time you can remember feeling truly content or rested.
A Comfort Pillow
Some people can't sleep well unless their spouse is curled up next to them in bed. Some people can't sleep well if their partner can’t decide whether to be the big spoon, or the little spoon, or maybe it would just be easier for everyone if they didn’t touch you at all.
A life-sized, heated body pillow can stand in for you while your spouse tosses and turns, and you sneak out to the guest room to get some fucking peace.
Maybe you’ll even have that hot dream about Dr. Winter again. Ooh, that reflex hammer.
Speed
Maybe your partner’s primary issue is not that they are tired and can’t sleep, but that they are too attached to the idea of wanting to sleep. In this case, if you solve the fatigue, you solve the problem!
Offer to procure some amphetamines from your neighbor Jim’s basement dispensary. With the desire to sleep eliminated, your partner can finally draft that zombie road trip screenplay they think could be bigger than Stranger Things. Now you’re not only supporting their approach to insomnia, you’re supporting their dream to break into the genre-bending buddy horror science fiction market!
The loss of actual dreaming will be a minor trade-off.