I formed my hypothesis about Jake’s romantic history after discovering writings on his Facebook wall. However, the majority of my colleagues rejected this hypothesis, claiming that I based it on female intuition rather than empirical evidence. Nevertheless, I proposed that a serious relationship existed between Jake and a woman prior to the Tinder Era in which I met him.

I have dedicated my entire career to proving this hypothesis to be true.

After digging past Jake’s privacy settings with a trailblazing follow request, I spent what felt like an eternity at the Instagram dig site, six or seven strata below Jake’s most-recent post. I continued to dig, searching for the relics that I had long hypothesized existed.

Today, I’m proud to say that I’ve finally discovered relics indicating the presence of a serious ex-girlfriend in Jake’s early Post-College Period.

The discoveries include four pictures of Jake with a woman who bears no familial resemblance to him. I speculate that these images date back to the early 2010s, based on the woman’s dramatic side bangs and orange tribal body painting. I’m comfortable hypothesizing that a romantic relationship between Jake and the woman lasted for two to three years. These remnants also contain records of communication from contemporary Instagram users relaying messages such as, “OMG! You two are SO PERFECT for each other I want to DIE!” and, “nice, dude. When you gonna wife dat up?”

From preliminary analysis and an incognito LinkedIn search, I believe I’ve identified Jake’s ex-girlfriend as college sweetheart Sarah Sullivan. According to my research, Sullivan was a Marketing and Communications Major at Colorado State University, Jake’s alma mater. She also ran a 5K in 27:36 in 2008.

This discovery pushes the boundaries of what's known about Jake, a mysterious figure and notorious proponent of cryptic communications employing hieroglyphics, such as  “?.”

Though my analysis is currently incomplete, based on my early research and industry knowledge, I predict that these findings will reveal the ex-girlfriend to be “not that cute, maybe low-key Christian, and definitely a huge fucking bitch.”


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