Have people stopped caring about cancer, or just the “cause bracelets”? I don’t see as many of these things around as I used to. So either we’ve cured cancer or the fashion trend has passed.

Perhaps the market got too oversaturated. I used to think that one color represented one issue. Pink meant save the boobs, yellow meant you were probably down a nut, orange meant protect our midgets (they’re endangered, right?), and green was to legalize pot.

As it turns out, that’s not the case. Much like dealing with an ex-girlfriend the bag of issues represented by one expression is only the tip of the iceberg.

The marketing boom on these trendy rubber statements went from finite to flooded almost over night. There are now 18 different colored bracelets that represent 139 different problems according to supportstore.com. Let’s see Jay-Z write a rap about that!

Out of those 18 bracelets only 3 don’t have something to do with a specific type of cancer. Too much, right?

To be fair though, this was kind of cancer’s thing from the start. And so far there is only one bracelet that has a single cause: peach. If you’re rocking a peach-colored bracelet then you’re down with putting an end to uterine cancer. Shouldn’t that one be pink? I digress.

Maybe the way to keep the bracelets relevant is to work out a more specific way of categorization. Take all of your cancers and put them into one bracelet. I don’t think cancer will mind.

Then let’s grab all the mental issues and give that a specific color, let’s say black. Keep it honest. Pink would be an insult to a guy that feels like the world has collapsed in on his soul.

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Next we go for the physically disabled. Blue feels right for this one. Maybe it’s all those reserved parking spaces outside of the mall. Not sure, but let’s go with it.

Then we move on to social issues of violence and misconduct. I was thinking green for these but that might send the wrong message. Red would probably convey more of a “stop” feel.

What do we do for the people with bone and blood disorders? Well, let’s give them periwinkle. Why? Because they’re probably going to die anyway but at least the color of their bracelet looks happy.

“Hey, whada ya got there?”

“It’s a periwinkle bracelet.”

“Well that sounds festive.”

“It means I’m going to die.”

“Tough luck.”

“No shit.”

Everybody wins!

We still have issues like eating disorders to cover. If you can’t keep a meal down because swimsuit season is just around the corner I don’t think a rubber bracelet is going to do much in terms of correcting the problem. No more bracelets for the bulimic/anorexic. From now on you guys get snack packs.

Now we move on to the blind folks. What’s the point in providing them with a fashion statement? It’s a nice thought but how about something they can pick up on. No more bracelets for them either. From now on they get bells. It will be their way of… chiming in.

And how come blind people got bracelets but not colorblind people? Not seeing a thing is cause-worthy, but seeing the world like it was originally filmed in 1950 doesn’t count? I call bullshit. Get these guys a grey bracelet.

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Last but not least we have global issues of war and peace. Yellow has taken us this far; let’s not stray from the course.

Any other issue, be it social or physical should probably fall under one of these as a subcategory. If it doesn’t then tough shit, complaining doesn’t deserve a bracelet either.

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