Every Sunday on radio station KFI in Los Angeles, they have a show called “The Jesus Christ Show.” No kidding. They actually have some guy go on the air and pretend to be Jesus Christ. He takes questions from listeners and gives Christian advice. He’s the most boring guy I’ve ever heard on radio. You would think if you were going to have a show called “The Jesus Christ Show” you would at least have a hip Jesus. They had a hip Jesus in “Jesus Christ Superstar” so why wouldn’t they have a hip Jesus on “The Jesus Christ Show”? I mean this guy is so goddamn boring!

Talk about blowing it. They could have a real hep cat living up to the long-haired, long-bearded, sandal-wearing Jesus, but no, they went and got someone as bad as KLOS’ Frank Sontag.

They should have picked a character from literary legend that would have been impossible to screw up. Someone with so much character, even Frank Sontag could play him. Someone with class, debonair, style, someone like—

Dracula!

Now that would be a call-in show. Dracula answers your questions, solves your problems, or just listens to you bitch and complain. The Prince of Darkness is the perfect being to deal with human nature. I can just hear it now:

…for centuries, men have feared him

…been in awe of him

…even admired him

…what if you could talk with him

…from the safety of your radio

…now it is time to hold your cross tight in one hand

…and your phone in the other

…and come to him with your problems, your conundrums, your complexities.

…it’s time to…

ASK DRACULA ANYTHING!

Hello, it is me, your unholy host! I am here to answer the questions of the living, the dead, and the undead. So call in now while the moon is still full and the sun is yet to rise…

Q: Hello, Dracula? I’d like to know if drinking more than three glasses of blood a day is healthy. My doctor put me on this high protein diet and I’ve been drinking about four or so.

A: Blood is always good. It’s good for the bones, the heart, the brain and the blood. Yes blood is good for the blood. You never know when you’ll need more blood. Suppose you get into an accident, it’s always good to have more blood in your body than you need.

Q: Oh thank you, Dracula. I was afraid I was becoming some kind of weirdo or something.

A: That’s quite alright. That’s what I am here for, to help with the living.

Next call.

Q: Dracula, I’m looking for a dentist. Can you recommend me to a good one? My teeth are a little misshaped.

A: What a coincidence, I have a couple of misshaped teeth as well. There’s a good doctor I know of, but he’s in Budapest. In America the best I can recommend to you is Dr. Finklestein. He is very good and into recycling. He recycles the teeth of the dead.

Q: That name sounds a lot like Frankenstein.

A: No no, not Frankenstein, Finklestein, he’s a nice Jewish doctor. Jewish people are the safest for me, and Muslims.

Q: So this Dr. Finklestein recycles teeth?

A: Oh yes, he’s very good at it. Sometimes he gives too much anesthesia like that doctor who treated Michael Jackson. Some of his patients don’t make it through surgery. But at least it’s not a total loss. He gets some good teeth out of them and they make for good transplants. Also he’s very good with front teeth. Polishes them to razor sharp perfection.

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Q: Thank you so much, Dracula. I listen to your show all the time.

A: You are so very welcome and thank you for listening; I don’t have a lot of listeners being that I can only be on late at night.

Next call.

Q: Hello Dracula, I’m trying to find the best airline fare to Eastern Europe, what are the best night flights?

A: Air Transylvania flies non-stop from New York from dusk to dawn. Their fares are very reasonable and the steaks they serve in flight are very rare. Best thing about them is you’re allowed as large a check in luggage as you want, even coffin sized.

Q: What about leaving from LA?

A: I’m afraid from LA you have to fly Qantas to Sydney and you won’t make it to Budapest or Transylvania by dawn. Which means you’ll have to ride in the baggage compartment. Very uncomfortable trip. I wouldn’t recommend it.

Q: Tijuana?

A: You’d be traveling to South Korea and wouldn’t’ get to the Balkans for two daylight days. You would definitely turn to dust. No way Jose.

Q: All right, thanks anyway, Count. Say hey what if I chartered a flight? I really need to get to Romania tonight.

A: Wait a minute, that voice sounds familiar, Van Helsing, is that you again?

(Click)

I believe it is time for a commercial.

Welcome back, it is me, your unholy host! Here to answer the questions of the living, the dead, and the undead. Call in now while the moon is still full and the sun is yet to rise…

Q: Yes, Count. I really love your show, it’s so informative and your voice touches me in a very special place.

A: I hope that is the neck!

Q: Count, I was wondering if you could answer my question, how can you tell if you’ve moved into a haunted house?

A: You believe your house is haunted?

Q: I don’t know. It could just be my imagination. I moved in two weeks ago and I’ve been hearing strange noises coming from my basement.

A: Such as?

Q:AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH………. GGGGGGHHHH……. GGGGGGHHHHHHH……. EEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR………GGGGGHHHHHHHHEERRRRR….. !!!!!!!!………??????? …….!!!!!!!

A: It’s the boiler, next call.

Q: Hello, Dracula? What are the penalties for grave robbing?

A: State or federal?

Q: State.

A: Which state?

Q: Arkansas.

A: Life!

Q: Life?

A: Yes, they don’t like grave robbing in Arkansas. They believe when you’re done with it, you should put it back for the next guy.

Next call.

Q: Yes, Count, I’m having a child sacrifice and I was wondering who should be on my guest list. I’ve invited family and friends but I’m wondering about my boss and co-workers.

A: Where do you work?

Q: The Salvation Army. I handle their accounts.

A: It probably would not be a good idea to invite anyone from work.

Q: How about if I just invite Edith. She works with me in Accounts Receivable. She’s pretty open-minded about such issues, besides she’s already helped me abduct the little boy who we’re going to use.

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A: Oh well, of course, by all means, it’s only fair to invite those who have helped out. Just don’t invite anyone who doesn’t already know. America can be a pretty squeamish place when it comes to affairs from centuries past. This sacrifice you’re having, is it for agricultural purposes or is it the yearly obligation?

Q: Agricultural. We haven’t had rain in three months.

A: I shall say a prayer to the Dark One for you. What is your name?

Q: Susie.

A: May the hounds of hell howl for your blood. And may your blood run red all over my chin should our eyes ever meet.

Q: Oh, thank you Dracula, you give me hope when I’m at my wit’s end.

A: That’s what I am here for, to help with the living, the dead, and the un-dead.

Next call.

Q: Hey, Drac, my Ouija board just told me to bring my gun to the movies, should I?

A: Was this a Parker Brothers brand?

Q: No, Hasbro.

A: Then by all means do not. Never trust Hasbro. They may say their boards have a direct link to Hell, but they are just blowing smoke up your ass.

Q: But Drac, I really want to bring my gun to the movies.

A: What’s the movie?

Q: Bambi.

A: Why not rent it and do an Elvis?

Q: Oh, yeah, I never thought of that, thanks Count.

A: Like I keep saying, that’s what I’m here for, to help.

Next call.

Q: Dracula, I’m currently dating a werewolf. How should I handle his, uh, his time of the month?

A: You mean the monthly visitor?

Q: Yes, that dog.

A: Get a cage with enough room for him to turn around in. Get three master locks. Make sure they’re Master brand otherwise there’s no point.

Q: Master Locks, got it.

A: Then you’ll want several un-cooked Porterhouse steaks. Also a chew toy. Do you have any cats?

Q: I have two.

A: How attached are you to them?

Q: I could lose one if I had to.

A: Good good, every little bit helps. Now do you have a basement?

Q: I’m afraid not.

A: That’s quite alright. I know a house with a loud boiler, I’m sure the owner won’t mind you using her place. If you stay on the line during the commercial I’ll get you two together.

Q: Oh thank you, Dracula. You’re the best. They may say you’re evil but I know that’s just political bullshit.

A: I have many on the other side who think I am a radical; to them I can only say that while they may rule the day, I rule the night, and the night is the time to howl.

Q: Oh, that reminds me, I have to get the locks and the steaks.

A: Don’t forget the chew toy.

Q: I won’t, thanks again Dracula, I’ll hold.

A: …and that’s our show, I hope you have enjoyed yourself and are thirsty for blood, I know I am. Our show is Sponsored by Freely’s Funeral Home: Where you’re not truly free until you’ve been to Freely’s…. But please come see me first!

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