My Job Is Amazing Even Though My Boss Is a Bloodthirsty Hammerhead Shark
Kevin demands only the best from his employees. He constantly circles my desk to “check in,” especially when I’m on my period.
Tag: Satire
Do I Regret It?
Do anteaters regret doing whatever the hell it is they do all day? I wanna say eat ants, but I'm not positive.
No, I Didn’t Name My Child Michael Jordackson So He’d Aspire for Greatness as an NBA Player or World-Renowned Musician
I just happen to like the smooth sound of “Michael Jordackson.” It’s got a nice ring to it.
Your Campus Tour
The college was rebuilt in 1795 by local train tycoon Silas Tother when he needed a place to quietly send his troublesome boys, Phinneas and Hellmouth.
Why I, D-List Hollywood Actor, Should Be the Keynote Speaker for Your Tech Conference
Instead of giving your employees bonuses, wouldn't it be better to hire me to list off my Wikipedia page for an hour?
10 Best Places to Ugly Cry About Your Shitty Life
Driver’s Seat of The Car You Still Haven’t Paid Off: If your ancient Volvo is visibly shaking from your pent-up emotions, then you know you’re doing it right!
Choosing Your Tinnitus Ringtone
Choose a ringtone that’s right for you, your lifestyle, and your tolerance for the incessant cacophony of crickets inside your head jar.
Your First Day Working in the Dog Mayor’s Office
It’s pretty classic admin stuff. Answering the phone, filing documents, keeping a calendar, making appointments, refilling the Mayor’s water bowl.
Your Uncle, the World’s Most Notorious Cat Burglar, Announces His Retirement
I don’t know why you are laughing and saying, “sure man, okay” when I relate to you that I had stunning paramours in every major city in Europe.
Terms and Conditions Agreement Between a Local and a Fucking Summer Person
The Summer Person is permitted to remark out loud a phrase along the lines of “This town is so quaint” a total of (1) time.
A Lecture on Women’s Health at Any Medical School
Contrary to popular belief, women do not possess one utilitarian opening for all of their bathroom and reproductive functions, like ducks.
Gas, Grass, or a Poignant Haiku That Makes Me Cry, Nobody Rides for Free
Goes without saying, but no rhyming means no sonnets. I don't care if Shakespeare wrote 154 sonnets; you will be writing zero in this truck.