I’m a Gourmet Pepper Mill Who Doesn’t Belong at This Thanksgiving Dinner
What’s that they’re talking about now? "Where’s Aunt June’s fun dip?” The fuck is fun dip? Christ in heaven, this is Thanksgiving!
Tag: Satire
The Only Thanksgiving Topic We Can’t Discuss: The Cornucopia Grapes
Nothing good will come from yelling about whether there’s a glue spot on the plastic pear that indicates where a neighboring bunch of muscats should be adhered.
Help! I’m Trapped Inside the Sunday Football Commercial Break
I walk out into my backyard party—it’s always a party in my backyard. I smile and clink glasses with a man who could be my neighbor, but is he?
Look, We Need to Extend Your Appointment Window Again
FastFix here. Hard to articulate... but there’s something about 5:00 that feels more rounded out than 4:30, don’t you think?
Six Seduction Tips So Saucy They’ll Convince Your Husband to Murder the King of Scotland
Consider swinging with a witch: The best way to do this is by mentioning that you saw them from across the bog, and you really dig their vibe.
Technical FAQ About Your New Hourglass
Q: Do I need to time the hourglass? A: No. That would be redundant.
What I Learned on My Mushroom Retreat for Entrepreneurs
The revelations about the human condition you experience after consuming hallucinogenic mushrooms make it much easier to come up with future Fortune 500 companies.
Uncle Steve’s Offensive Driving Course for Young Drivers: A Syllabus
Course Materials/Payment: Double Baconator with large fry OR Pack of cigs (Camel preferred) OR 6-pack of Miller Lite
I’m Only on This Dating App Ironically, Unless You’re Interested in Falling in Love or Something
My being here is simply for the lulz and has nothing to do with my ex posting a vacation album with her new boyfriend on social media.
I’d Like to Have Kids, but I’m Not Sure It’s Ethical to Bring Children into a World Where Their Dad Would Be Me
I just don’t think I can morally justify knowingly bringing children into a world where their dad would be me.
This Halftime Locker Room Speech Seems as Good a Time as Any to Confess to My Killing Spree
If we look back to the mistakes, the failures, the death mask grimaces of the asphyxiated faces we’ve left behind, then we’ll never move on.
It Helps to Think of Europe as a Powder Keg, a Thing We Can All Picture
Are you picturing the powder keg? Think back to the last time you went out to sea and needed to bring a large amount of gunpowder.