I Am Your Houseplant and I Am Begging You to Leave Me Alone
For the last time, put the shears down and get a hobby already. Calligraphy. Magic. Something that doesn't involve innocent living things.
Tag: Satire
Zoom Invitations from a Massively Unpopular Person
“Do you think this mole is changing colour?” So you didn’t come to the last meeting. The thing is that I’m really starting to worry about my health.
I’m the LEGO Brick on Your Carpet and if You Step on Me One More Time You’ll Be Swimming with the Fishes, Capiche?
You’ve got guts settin' foot on my turf. But if youse keep coming around, you’ll be the one with the instruction manual on how to piece you together.
The COVID-19 Job Board I Can’t Seem to Find
Make-Believe Star of Reality Show: Seeking creative self-starter who is delusional and lonely enough to pretend they are a contestant on reality TV.
The Quarantine Cookbook: Easy Recipes for Your Favorite Staples
Oreos: So your kids are begging for America's favorite cookie? Lucky for you it couldn't be easier. First, begin by grabbing your titanium dioxide.
Well, Stranger, It Seems This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us, on Account of My Torso Mysteriously Growing Larger Every Time I Say the Word “Ain’t”
I ain't no pushover. Please don’t push me over---I’ve become extremely top-heavy. More so after that last thing I said about not bein’ no pushover.
Ken Burns Presents: Letters from the Privileged Quarantine Homefront
Dear Ma, It's bad out there. The Trader Joe's frozen aisle was completely decimated: no cauliflower crust pizza in sight.
Attn Witches: Our Midsummer Coven Has Been Rescheduled for Tuesday, Nov 3
Disinfect your broom, too. We recommend a homemade flying potion made of opium poppies, spotted red mushrooms, and toad skins.
Close Your Eyes, Breathe, and Relax While This App Steals Your Stuff
Let all your worries, cares, and worldly possessions flow away from your body… and into a rental truck parked outside...
Donald and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Pandemic
At night, my bath was too hot, I got hand sanitizer in my eyes, and I had to isolate in my presidential railroad-train pajamas. I hate those pajamas!
William Shakespeare’s Long Lost Quarantine Drafts
"Sonnet 18, For My Dearest Netflix" Shall I compare thee to a blank brick wall? Thou art more lively and more intr’sting
United States Presidents vs. Swamp Rabbits
In 1903, Theodore Roosevelt announces an open boxing challenge to any willing swamp rabbit. In 1911, William Howard Taft eats a swamp rabbit.