I’d Like to Return 2020 for a Full Refund
“I can’t accept this, it’s obviously been used.” “Well yes, but only in January, February, and the first week of March. But then ppffhtt,” I spit.
Tag: Satire
We’ve Decided Harold Schwab Will No Longer Be the Face of Our Tire Company
We’re RACING to clarify: We do NOT only sell white-wall tires. Complementary road-side assistance does NOT include a “cruise to da make-out spot.”
Governor, I’m Sick of All These Double Standards
Protests are okay but I can't go to the Olive Garden because I use the breadsticks for things that are "objectionable" and "extremely upsetting?"
I’m the Devil and These Aren’t My Advocates
I wouldn’t be the Prince of Darkness if I didn’t defend myself against these recent transgressions and bring the truth to light, so to speak.
Leadership Wants You to Know, Fight Club Is Taking the Coronavirus Seriously
If someone says “stop,” goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. If someone coughs, has shortness of breath, or has a fever, the fight does not begin.
P.C. Richard & I Have No Son
I cannot believe you had the gall to march into our Farmingdale headquarters, and rather than claim your birthright, insist that you go to college.
If You or a Loved One Has Been, You May Be Entitled to Financial Compensation
Being is a condition that has been linked to depression, a crippling sense of loss, getting attacked by alligators, and even death.
Sharks Aren’t Nearly as Scary as Canadian Geese and Yet They’re the Ones with a Week of TV
Some people say that sharks take nibbles to satisfy their curiosity. Rest assured, we're coming to bite you because we want to bite you.
Yes, The School Is Inside an Active Volcano, But We Need to Send the Children Back In
What could be more healthy than taking a spelling test while boulders—such as the one that just flattened Senator Constantine—fall from the sky?
All the Times Things Were “Not the Right Fit”
"Her butt is coming out first," my mom's ob-gyn told her six hours into her contractions. "This baby is just not the right fit."
Summaries of Upcoming “Judge Judy” Episodes Filmed During the Pandemic
An elderly couple sues the mother of a teenager for damages to their 1998 Buick Skylark, on which the teen wrote on “I’m a Dirty Bird” with hand sanitizer.
Mouth Police: The Next Bestselling YA Dystopian Novel
If the Mouth Police catch you they send you to mega jail. It’s like jail but bigger and where my rebel dad is.