Hello everyone!

It’s me, the Devil. Some of you may know me as Satan, the Serpent, Lucifer, or maybe the King of the Bottomless Pit. I have many names you may know me by, but unfortunately, you’ve most likely heard of me recently due to some supposed “advocates” of mine mentioning me. I am here today to clarify a few things directly from the Kingdom of Hell…

Those are not my advocates.

While I’m not sure why these people have chosen to advocate for me so violently, I do know that they became much more common this year. It’s been quite the busy year in Hell (gotta love an election year!) so you'll have to understand. But I wouldn’t be the eternal Prince of Darkness if I didn’t defend myself against these recent transgressions and bring the truth to light, so to speak.

Just the other day, I caught wind of an imbecile in a Tampa bar whisper to his friend:

“I’m not tryin’ to ruffle any feathers, but just to play devil’s advocate, destruction of property isn't necessary, I mean these are public businesses.”

Let’s break that one down. As the “Lawless One” in your texts, it should be obvious that I love a little destruction of property. It builds character. Did you guys hear what I did to that Job guy? His crops and herds and even his entire family was destroyed by the best of the very best: Me! And wouldn’t you know, Job was better off for it, even got an entire book in the, ahem, Bible about his life.

You’re WELCOME, Job.

Then this woman in a nail salon that opened back up today in Dallas:

“How long do they expect people to just stay home and remain in fear? My kid is gonna be so far behind and I mean, ugh, the economy! I’m just gonna be devil’s advocate here!”

This woman, while claiming to be an advocate of mine, is truly just being price gouged by her nanny (something I will admit to playing a role within). But she doesn’t care for the economy, her child’s development, nor the poor nail technician scrubbing furiously at her three-month-old bunions below.

She just hates wearing a mask.

An important note on masks: I am the father of all torture and suffering, but I’ve never seen someone wallow in pain more than these so called advocates who are against wearing a mask while in public. Had I known this was so devastating to the ignorant, I would have been providing masks at the entrance of hell a looooooooooooooong time ago.

Speaking of which, that reminds me of possibly the biggest idiot with my name in their mouth:

“Just playin’ devil’s advocate here, but God in the bible says all lives matter.”

Okay, EXCEPT HE DIDN’T. Where does this sad sack of sludge get off on having MY NAME in her mouth while referencing that spineless asshole in the same sentence? That putrid book says a lot of things but “all lives matter” is a huge stretch, even for me, ya guys.

From the beginning of time, you all have struggled to actually consider the lives of anyone, let alone everyone. I mean, I’ve watched it. I’ll admit, I figured that once the Crusades ended you guys would have settled all of the bigotry, prejudice, and racism. However, you’ve proven throughout the countless wars and needlessly prolonged plagues that you don’t think all lives matter.

You’re simply afraid yours might matter less, silly!

I know because I know all your inner fears and insecurities.

Thank you so much for listening and taking my word for the truth. I know there’s sometimes a bit of a debate about me being “truthful” but due to this concerning situation (my sparkling reputation on the line), I’m exercising a little honesty.

I am Satan, the lord of Hell, and King of Sin. I have been around since the dawn of millennia and will be here till the end of days, commanding an entire army of demons until chaos takes complete control over the world. I’d appreciate it if no one attempted to further assist in the end of humanity, with outlandish statements about protests, plagues, and otherwise. I’ve got the collapse of humanity covered, as it is my literal job.

I am not in the need of any further endorsement at this time.