If you or a loved one has recently been, you may be entitled to financial compensation. Being is a condition that has been linked to depression, a crippling sense of loss, getting attacked by alligators, and even death. Repetitive exposure to waking up and being in the world may have put you at risk for these and dozens of other symptoms.

The immeasurable suffering and occasional dizziness caused by being has gone unchallenged for far too long. You and your family members deserve justice in the courts, and our lawyers are committed to holding being responsible for the many unseen damages it has produced. If you have ever experienced crushing isolation, job dissatisfaction, or that horrible, nagging feeling that none of it fucking matters anyway—you have been, and we’ll be damned if you don’t see a cash settlement for it.

Thousands have already won their cases and been reimbursed for their needless run-in with being; Samantha Rhodes was for 38 years, and as a result, struggled with intimate relationships and felt out of place wherever she went. Is she still lonely? Maybe, but a quarter-million dollars is awful good company if you ask us! Jeremy Jackson was for 64 years, suffering from work-related stress and this weird fear of Christmas decorations. With an extra $375,000 he’s calm, kicking back and screaming at his wife once a year to put those damn lights away or else!

What kind of money are you owed for having been? You’ll never find out unless you call! And if you’re getting anxious about yourself deserving anything because of that low sense of self-esteem, if you’ve been jaded and saddened into believing no amount of money can make up for your troubles—well, well, my friend—these are all signs that being has caused you significant harm deserving of a big ole’ lump sum that you can rub right in the human experience’s stupid ugly face! Trust us, the law is on your side, and if it wasn’t, that’d just be yet another reason why being is the worst and we must sue the absolute shit out of it.

You and your loved ones are through no fault of your own! The amazing stream of fuckery you have to deal with everyday just from being is unbelievable, and by God we’re going to hit em’ where it hurts.

Also, if anyone you know has died as a result of having been, you may file suit in their name and reap the benefits of their misery like the selfish piss ant that you are! Then file suit in your own name shortly after to be compensated for the overwhelming guilt you feel from having acted on primitive impulses forced upon you by—you guessed it—being.

Being. Will it will ever let up?

No. Never. It won’t stop grinding away at your sense of purpose until you’re crying every time you drive past a body of water. It will never stop your mother’s voice from entering your head and commenting on every little thing you fuck up. It will never slow the flow of existential dread and bad cholesterol into your veins until you’re running naked down the interstate like a God Damn maniac, clutching at your chest and screaming PLEASE SOMEONE ANYONE MAKE IT STOP.

So, hurry! Call 1-800-555-9032 now for a free legal consultation and information packet on how self-awareness may have irreparably injured yourself and everyone around you, and how walking away from a lawsuit with a nice financial claim might not fill the ceaseless void in your heart, but will give you around 50-400 thousand reasons to install a home movie theater and not give a shit about it for a while.