Help! My Dukes of Hazzard Lunchbox Has Me on the Wrong Side of History
It had the car... with the flag! Yes, THAT flag! What could my mother have been thinking when she gave in to my demands for it?
Tag: Race
I Forced Jeff Sessions to Eat from a Trough, and Now He Thinks White People are Superior to Dogs
I recently forced Attorney General Jeff Sessions to eat from the same trough we use to feed our many dogs, and now he believes that white people are superior to their canine companions.
Will These Politically Correct Millennials Stop Pointing Out My Character Flaws?
When I was younger, me and my other white male friends could have serious and rational discussions about things without being so easily offended.
Why Successful Immigrants Shouldn’t Become Birds at 40 Years Old
Whoever manages this Human-to-Bird-conversion is clearly a prankster. I've clearly done too much whining, and too little flying practice up to now.
Answers to Five Burning Questions We All Have for Anthony Scaramucci
Usually Anthony Scaramucci likes to be called "Mr. Scaramucci," "CEO Scaramucci," or "The Dark Lord of Business." But he'll also answer to "Tony Scrambled Eggs."
The Handmaid’s Tale is Especially Scary For Me Because I’m Rich and White
Offred was forced to have sex with the commander again in front of his wife. Who treats white women like that!? Ugh, it was so terrible, because that like literally is my life.
The Wall Was Just a Racist Metaphor
I hear these liberals saying, "Look, President Trump hasn't done anything—no wall!" Didn't get that when I said "build a wall," it was just a racist metaphor.
How I Became Woke AF By Spending 6 Months Meaning to See Moonlight
For months, when my less-woke family and friends talk about movies, I proudly declare that I've been meaning to see Moonlight and actually want to see it really badly.
How to Tell If Your Undercut is All Right or Alt-Right
Does your new haircut scream stylish or white power? Use this guide to see where you fall on the spectrum from well-meaning hipster to Richard Spencer.
How White Couples React When a Black Man Shows Up
White guys don't seem to understand that, as a black guy, I probably only want to honestly steal your girlfriend about 10% of the time. Keep an open mind, dudes.
Post-Game Press Conference for Game 1 of the Offensive Team Name Basketball Association Championship
The Cleveland Noble Savages defeated the Jackson City Quadroons 116-110 in Game 1 of the OTNBA Championship. Here is the post-game conference transcript.
Half Cuban, 100% White
I'm a halfie: my mother is Cuban and my father is American. I'm not brown, I'm not white… I'm fucking khaki. And it sucks. Here's why.