Hostage Emails From My Brother’s Kidnappers
I want to complement the kidnappers’ willingness to take down all of Larry’s dictation. That’s very considerate for kidnappers. He’s lucky.
Tag: Parents
The First Recorded Instance of Déjà Vu
Utu dropped the carcass and turned back for the cave. Very suddenly, he stopped in his tracks and raised his eyebrows in surprise.
Open Letter to the Other Dad at the PTA Meeting with a World’s Best Dad Coffee Mug
ROUND 2: We will re-enact Alice Cooper's “School's Out for Summer” video shot for shot. Contestants may borrow as many eye-liner pencils as they need.
I Am a Dad in a Kohl’s Father’s Day Ad
I’m smiling so big because I can’t wait to bite into these steaks. Just kidding! I’m a vegetarian but that doesn’t poll well with our target audience.
List: Important Tips for Creating and Managing Your Dad’s Orgasm After Telling Him You Opened a Roth IRA
Give your dad the gift of a Roth IRA orgasm for Father's Day without having to label it incest.
I Am Your Hopes and Dreams, Why Are You So Obsessed With Me?
Now I heard you’re even talking about me in therapy? I was hoping you’d move on by now, since you’re in your mid-thirties and all.
List: The Ultimate “Before Climate Change Ruins the Planet” Bucket List
Accidentally kill yourself on a snorkeling adventure you’re not trained for to see the coral reefs before they, too, go to be with the lord.
The Person Who Asks If You’re About to Cry
Cheryl senses my sadness/frustration/anger/anything-cry-worthy-even-if-it’s-just-a-movie and will suddenly be on my doorstep with brownies in hand.
A Response to Allegations of Cookie Stealing in the Post-Truth Era
The crumbs on my face, the milk mustache, the hand entirely within the cookie jar---these are all circumstantial and prove nothing. NO COOKIE!
What Your Smoke Alarm is Really Trying to Say
Three slower, sarcastic beeps: Random malfunction with tons of rhyme and reason, none of which will be revealed to you or any professional electrician.