You’ve Barely Touched Your Mid-Heist Carrot Sticks and Hummus
I didn’t help break into the Banco de España to see these delicious snacks I’ve generously prepared go to waste.
Tag: Money
This Pride Month, TD Bank Is PROUD to Say: You Owe Us Money
We don’t want to shame you, especially during a month as joyous as Pride. We celebrate all our bankers, bankettes, and bank-theys.
The Parking Garage Is Compromised, So How About We Trade Federal Secrets at La Romantica?
As far as anyone here knows, we’re just one extremely handsome journalist and one extremely available woman sharing bruschetta.
Are You in a Kafka Story or on the Phone with a Customer Service Representative?
No one will explain the charge to you, but you are sure it is unjust.
Guac: The Expense Tracking App for Buying More Guacamole
No more acting like you don’t want guacamole or pretending that if you get guacamole, it’ll make you too full.
Charnstone Manor Is Hiring a Governess!
Strong candidates will fit in with our diverse and dedicated group of cryptic caretakers, silent maids, hostile valets, and cursed children.
Public Domain Themes for Your Vegas Wedding
Robin Hood: Get married in the woods and then crash a wealthier wedding’s reception for dinner. Archery optional, but encouraged.
Congratulations on Your Invitation to Duel to the Death for Our Beautiful Home
We’ll enforce basic duel-to-death etiquette, which basically seems to mean making sure one party dies (Hamilton is available on Disney+, by the way).
The Inspiring Productivity Secrets of Morning People
Rise and grind, baby! And by that, I mean use an angle grinder to try and remove my court-mandated tracking bracelet.
I Fully Intend to Boycott Amazon Just as Soon as I Buy This Thing for My Newborn
I’m gonna order the Chomperoo 3-in-1 Soother Chewer through the Amazon app real quick and then Jeffrey “watch me burn money as literal rocket fuel” Bezos can take a hike!
Your Ego’s Writing Checks Your Body Can’t Cash! That’s Why You’re the Perfect Candidate for Our Top Gun Overdraft Protection Program
You’re in the top one percent of all naval aviators, with "a need, a need for speed." But I think you have a serious need for fiscal responsibility.
I’m Shuttering My Professional Kidnap for Ransom Operation Due to Rising Inflation
Our whole supply chain is wrecked: the price of a getaway car is sky high and gas costs for said car are now at an astronomical level.