So you purchased a nice wool blanket. It kept you warm all winter, but frankly, it’s starting to smell. Be careful—tossing it in the wash could cause permanent damage. To properly clean your precious throw, follow these ten easy steps.

  1. Give your blanket a vigorous shake and hang it in a well-ventilated area. The wool fibers prefer an east-to-west cross-breeze coming from a north- and south-facing window. Allow the blanket to air out for 48 hours.
  2. Make a spot treatment using pantry staples (items that any self-respecting person would already have in stock at their home). You will need a glass spray bottle, 3 cups tepid water from a nearby stream or estuary, 2 cups distilled white vinegar (2.5% acidity), ⅓ cup Belvedere vodka, ¼ cup Dawn Ultra dishwashing liquid, peels from 2 medium-sized Meyer lemons, 1 tablespoon citric acid, 10 drops Dorado Azul essential oil, 3 teaspoons baking soda, the zest of a tangelo, and a small pinch of Icelandic lava sea salt (the purple kind). Spray the mixture onto any stains.
  3. Lay the blanket on a flat, clean surface. Begin brushing with your Mason Pearson brush– Sorry, what? You don’t have one? God they really just let anyone buy a wool blanket these days.
  4. Order a Mason Pearson Extra Large Boar Bristle Horse Hair Brush made in London, England on Amazon Prime for $375.00. If this is out of your budget, we question why on earth you bought this blanket, but we suggest opening a new credit card. The American Express Platinum Card has decent travel perks and rewards.
  5. Stare out the window longingly as you await the delivery of your first-rate wool tool. Once the package arrives, tear into it like you’re a rabid raccoon who just found a half-full bag of Meow Mix in an open trash can.
  6. Brush the blanket in order to remove embedded dirt– 35 times vertically, then 35 times horizontally. To the tune of “You Are My Sunshine,” softly sing “You are my blanket, my only blanket/You keep me cozy when it is cold/You’ll never know, throw/How much I love you/ Please don’t take my blanket away.” Repeat this process four times, or until the sun has fully set if daylight remains.
  7. Soak the blanket in a five-gallon bucket of fresh water drawn from Japan’s Shiribeshi-Toshibetsu River. If you have a contact in Hokkaidō, great! Reach out. Otherwise, use your American Express Platinum Card to book a flight to the New Chitose Airport and procure the river water on your own.
  8. After a 72-hour soak, carefully transfer the drenched blanket to a non-agitator washing machine. Wash the blanket in cold water (54 degrees Fahrenheit) with a mild detergent (wool-safe) for two minutes and 17 seconds (no more, no less)!
  9. PROMPTLY remove the blanket. GENTLY roll it up in a 100% Turkish cotton towel. SLOWLY unroll the blanket with the amount of caution you would use to delicately handle a fallen nest of Blue Jay hatchlings.
  10. Hang the blanket to dry. The wool fibers prefer a north-to-south cross-breeze coming from an east- and west-facing window. Keep out of direct sunlight.

You have successfully laundered your wool blanket (and earned 12,000 AMEX points)! Repeat weekly for best results.

If this hassle-free routine seems too involved, again, we don’t know why you would even think to purchase this thing, but here are some alternative methods from other slackers who shouldn’t own this high-quality item in the first place.

  • Spray the blanket with Downy April Fresh Febreze.
  • Throw baby powder at it from across the room.
  • Light the blanket on fire.
  • Chuck it out the window while you speed down the highway.
  • Bury it deep in the Earth’s lower mantle so you never have to think about it again.

Did you find this helpful? Read our related articles: “How to Achieve Nirvana” and “How to Become an Aerospace Engineer.”