She has experienced the perfect amount of sexual oppression and shame to properly teach your daughters about their growing bodies.
The theme of my Bar Mitzvah is “Lying awake at night, your face slick with sweat, drowning in a pool of your own despair.”
No matter how many side pickles one has in their lifetime, each new side pickle feels like the first.
"We are an open democracy and welcome 180-degree feedback circle." This is a weak start; we need a strong first point that will set the tone.
We Only Use Murphy’s Oil Soap to Clean These Church Pews So Get the Fuck Off My Nuts with Your All-Natural Homemade Cleaner
“Pine?” No. That’s not “pine,” bitch. That’s the smell of me frolicking through the forest with Jesus.
Subsequent to receiving this letter, you will hear ABBA songs inside your head everywhere you go, no matter what you happen to be doing.
10:17 AM: I send Melissa a First Communion flashback, the time a piece of the wafer got caught in her throat and she had a panic attack in the pew.
The first of your progeny is not your finest. They’re laden with flaws: entitlement, jealousy, anxiety, and approval-seeking tendencies.
I wouldn’t be the Prince of Darkness if I didn’t defend myself against these recent transgressions and bring the truth to light, so to speak.
The Archangel Gabriel Appeared to Me in a Dream and Told Me to Start Pounding More PBR Tall Boys if I Want to Get into Heaven
I heard that in Heaven, you can ride on the backs of angels and use their halos as steering wheels. That’s something I would like to check out.
Deities with this Eldritch Love Language need to hear their bound worshipers verbalize their eternal devotion, with an “I love you” of sorts.
Give me Rafael Nadal. I would let Rafa bagelize me as compared to you-know-who. Is that too much for a poor, first-time U.S. Open qualifier to ask?