Ganesh, God of New Beginnings: I'm all for New Year's resolutions, but I bet you ten rupees she uses that annual yoga studio pass exactly once.
Your home library is all Bibles. I mean, uhh, could He make it any more obvious? The Bible is His favorite book!
I’m ready when you are. And I won’t even charge you anything, girl. It’s on me. Free Edition. I got you.
I would have given zero stars if I could! It’s really amazing what’s “not an option” up here.
You shall meet Ra, the Supreme God of the Sun and Creator of All Tan Lines. He will teach thee how to avoid straining thy intervertebral joints.
She has experienced the perfect amount of sexual oppression and shame to properly teach your daughters about their growing bodies.
The theme of my Bar Mitzvah is “Lying awake at night, your face slick with sweat, drowning in a pool of your own despair.”
No matter how many side pickles one has in their lifetime, each new side pickle feels like the first.
"We are an open democracy and welcome 180-degree feedback circle." This is a weak start; we need a strong first point that will set the tone.
We Only Use Murphy’s Oil Soap to Clean These Church Pews So Get the Fuck Off My Nuts with Your All-Natural Homemade Cleaner
“Pine?” No. That’s not “pine,” bitch. That’s the smell of me frolicking through the forest with Jesus.
Subsequent to receiving this letter, you will hear ABBA songs inside your head everywhere you go, no matter what you happen to be doing.
10:17 AM: I send Melissa a First Communion flashback, the time a piece of the wafer got caught in her throat and she had a panic attack in the pew.