I’m a High School Science Teacher, and I Pray Every Time I Set Up the Bowling Ball Pendulum
The basis upon which I have lived my entire life is jeopardized—and all because of a trust fall with the ghost of Sir Isaac Newton.
Tag: God
6 Techniques I Believe Will Get Sonny the Cuckoo Bird to Renounce Cocoa Puffs and Embrace Christianity
1) I Make a Rube Goldberg-type Machine That Gives Sonny a Spank Right on the Keister Every Time He Lifts the Spoon to His Mouth
Forgive Me, Father, For I Have Rollerbladed Once More
I wish to cleanse myself of the guilt for defying both you and my lovely wife by dusting off the ol’ blades and gracefully gliding down the street.
Revealed: A Therapist’s Notes after Meeting with Jesus
His dad is not here, but he says his dad is everywhere (denial?) / Continues to worry because he knows he's gonna die…. ok ok
How to Get Him to Notice You by Turning into This 1,000 Piece Puzzle of Ancient Greece
Nothing makes a man feel more like a god than putting together a woman’s misshapen pieces and presenting a beautiful picture to post on Instagram.
I Don’t Need a Stinking Dove to Tell Me When It’s Safe to Get Off This Godforsaken Ark
That mewing and hawing you’re hearing on the upper deck isn’t the 4 PM slop feeding. It’s a protest!
Our Ancestors Didn’t Escape the Pharaoh in Egypt for You to Do Nothing with Your Life
Karpas --- Eating the Green Vegetable: Is this the first vegetable you’ve had all month? We raised you better than to eat all that junk food.
Do You Have the Coronavirus or Are You Suffering the Pains of Courtly Love?
Q: I have no symptoms, but yesterday I had a sexy dream about my flatmate and now I feel... awkward? A: Fly! Fly! Thy death wound is upon thee!
Neil Gaiman’s Republican Mythology
In Mayr-a-Layrgo stood Pootin, who existed before the primaries. He sits upon a giant steed, wearing pants but no shirt, chest oiled for some reason.
The Five Stages of Grief for When You’ve Found a Magical Pot of Gold, But Keeping It Means Being Relentlessly Hunted by a Wee Murderous Irishman
DENIAL: Maybe this isn’t even a legitimate cursed pot of money. ANGER: But--fairy fortunes don’t usually come with a blood curse!
Memo from Jesus: Read the Father’s Manual
Just yesterday, Sabrina summoned me. “Jesus!” she exclaimed. It sounded important so I flew over, only to find her reading the news on her phone.
I, Editor of the National Enquirer, Have Literally Seen a Sasquatch and No One Will Believe Me
I feel like Elvis when he returned to Graceland after 40 years of guiding climbers as a Sherpa in Tibet. That didn’t happen, but you get the point.