How My Mother Believed I Was Destined to Die as a Teenager
Becoming macaroni and cheese, a lifeless foodstuff, after too many consecutive meals of macaroni and cheese. / Aneurysm upon seeing a boob on HBO.
Tag: Food
An Interview with Death, Winner of the Latest Season of “The Great British Baking Show”
Reporter: A rather strange turn of events, what with the death of all the contestants and the show’s top judge, Paul Hollywood's, disappearance.
Empowering Affirmations for Strength While Doing Laundry at a Public Laundromat
“I am grateful for my talents.” How quickly can you fold laundry before getting hit on? Did someone steal your detergent?
This Week’s Pub Trivia Theme Is My Unjust Firing as Quizmaster
You also get free points if you have advice on what to do when your beloved pet gets evicted from his favorite shelf in a seldom-used closet.
I’m a Seed and How Dare You Assume I Want to Germinate Inside of You
Do you really think that I, a gorgeous seed full of immense potential, want to hinder my growth by spending all of eternity in your intestines?
On This Diet, You Can Eat Anything (As Long as It’s Incredibly Time-Consuming to Prepare)
It's simple: if a recipe involves fewer than 52 ingredients, you're not allowed to eat it. Or if it takes fewer than 83 steps or 5 hours to prepare.
Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee!
Before coffee, I’m, like, a zombie feeding on its own, like… brains or whatever, and struggling to complete straightforward zombie analogies.
Scooby Doo’s Best Man Speech at Shaggy’s Wedding
Raggy rand I go way, way back. Trust me, rin dog years it’s reven ronger. Reven times ronger. Reah.
You’ll Love Our Newest Resort, You Lazy Fuck
Our friendly staff will welcome you in the lobby, where we’ll happily carry your bags for you. Look at you pretending you’re about to help!
The Simple and Effective No Cookies or Wine Diet
The only exception to the wine rule is for post-work networking drinks. You don’t want to make the other person feel bad about drinking wine!
Do You Have the Cognitive Fortitude to Be a Cashier at Crazy Dave’s Wieners?
What is the correct spelling of the fermented cabbage that sometimes goes on hotdogs? Sauerkraut, Sourcrowt, Serrkreet, Soorkroot, or Kimchi?
An Appeal to the Committee’s Ruling That Candy Is Not a Breakfast Food
I was never properly notified of the existence (and have yet to receive a copy) of the complete list of the committee-approved breakfast foods.