Without Cream Cheese, the Country Will Fall
The lifeblood of American society, the oil that lubricates its gears and allows the cogs in its national wheel to turn, is cream cheese.
Tag: Food
7 Winter Recipes That Aren’t French Onion Soup
German Shallot Stew: Wait… this is a little too similar to French Onion Soup. No worries. We’ve got plenty more recipes!
Global Supply Chain Issues Have Not Spared This Year’s Thanksgiving Menu
Apple pie is still on! Flour is in high demand and low availability, so we will have to make do with some sort of potato-based crust.
Are You Assembling an IKEA Dining Room Set or Cooking a Thanksgiving Turkey for the First Time?
6. You cannot begin to fathom what you’re supposed to do with the assortment of random parts in the inner pouch.
And I Looked, and Behold! A Pale McRib
A demon with the head of a hamburger and the sash of an alderman materialized in my backseat. Flaps of hormone-infused beef formed his accursed lips.
This Year I’m Not Going to Eat All of the Candy I Bought for the Trick-or-Treaters
The big bag is a safer purchase. Now it won’t be the end of the world if I have one. I’d hate to disappoint the kids two years in a row.
This Halloween, My Son, You Will Dominate the Streets
It’s a zero-sum game out there. Every piece of candy you don’t get goes into the gaping, cavity-filled maw of some other kid.
Please Excuse the Smell on This Train Platform, I’m Making a Bit of a Soup
Nonna’s soup needs to be simmered in a big-bottomed cauldron for 14 days and 14 nights. Do you know how hard it is to find a premium cauldron in New York?
Candy Corn Tastes like Cheap Trash and That’s Why I Like It
A handful of those tri-colored diabetic nightmares leave me physically ill with my head pulsing in pain. And guess what? I’m into it.
Our Artisanal Tacos Are So Damn Good You’ll Happily Hand Over Your Identity as Payment
What do we do with all the identities people pay with? That’s none of your business. They were handed over in a totally legitimate transaction.
Our Friendship Has Been One Long, Intricate Plot to Get You to Subscribe to My Newsletter
I met you at a time of great need in my life. That need? More readers for my newsletter where I rank pizza shops based on taste, texture, and sauce ratio.
Yep, This Salad Is the Boring Kind
A black olive is a pipe dream and an avocado would sooner appear in a lasagna than in this salad.