This Year I’m Not Going to Eat All of the Candy I Bought for the Trick-or-Treaters
The big bag is a safer purchase. Now it won’t be the end of the world if I have one. I’d hate to disappoint the kids two years in a row.
Tag: Food
This Halloween, My Son, You Will Dominate the Streets
It’s a zero-sum game out there. Every piece of candy you don’t get goes into the gaping, cavity-filled maw of some other kid.
Please Excuse the Smell on This Train Platform, I’m Making a Bit of a Soup
Nonna’s soup needs to be simmered in a big-bottomed cauldron for 14 days and 14 nights. Do you know how hard it is to find a premium cauldron in New York?
Candy Corn Tastes like Cheap Trash and That’s Why I Like It
A handful of those tri-colored diabetic nightmares leave me physically ill with my head pulsing in pain. And guess what? I’m into it.
Our Artisanal Tacos Are So Damn Good You’ll Happily Hand Over Your Identity as Payment
What do we do with all the identities people pay with? That’s none of your business. They were handed over in a totally legitimate transaction.
Our Friendship Has Been One Long, Intricate Plot to Get You to Subscribe to My Newsletter
I met you at a time of great need in my life. That need? More readers for my newsletter where I rank pizza shops based on taste, texture, and sauce ratio.
Yep, This Salad Is the Boring Kind
A black olive is a pipe dream and an avocado would sooner appear in a lasagna than in this salad.
I Am the Self-Checkout Machine and I Want to Play a Game
Error: Place all scanned items in the bagging area, even the 50-pound bag of dog food. Figure it out. The rules of our game have been made very clear.
Four Strains of Mushrooms That Still Aren’t as Good as Stuffed Mushrooms
Four hours into this will have you wishing you traded in the hallucinogenics for something with a little more parmesan and a little less cow dung.
I Stopped Eating to Save the Planet
I’ve read hundreds of lists of all the foods that I should avoid and it turns out you should avoid basically everything.
Grocery Shopping with James Baldwin
The grocer is like heaven, everyone exalts it, but no one wants to go there now.
I’m the Basil Plant You Bought at the Farmer’s Market—We Need to Talk
It’s not like I expected you to use me every meal. You can’t have basil all the time, I get it. I’ll be here when you need me, I said.