What Your Favorite Cactus Says About You
Beaver Tail Cactus (Opuntia basilaris) – You act a lot tougher than you are, and long for someone to see through your faux exterior.
Tag: Environment
You Are Entirely to Blame
It is your blueberry Pop-Tarts that are killing the porpoises. Not your neighbor’s Pop-Tarts or that guy in Idaho’s Pop-Tarts.
On the Dangerous Rise of Oat Milk, From Almond Milk
I had hoped the craze would die out before needing to call an emergency meeting at the alternative milk headquarters, the Portland Trader Joe's.
Happy New Year from Murder Hornets, LLC!
2020 was one of the most exciting years in hornet history, as we continued our westward expansion into North America.
We Are Living in the Golden Age of Climate Change Warnings!
An infuriating but addicting premise, "Emily in Hot Water" chronicles the Atlantic Ocean’s journey to temperatures not seen in at least 2,900 years.
Thomas the Tank Engine Reduces His Carbon Footprint
When he is not hauling freight, Thomas will lock himself inside of The Big Station and think about the damage he has done to our planet.
I Am the 60 Seconds Before Your Car AC Kicks In, and I Am Here to Remind You of Your Mortality
Listen to your yelp as you touch my hot leather seats. Feel the burn, baby. I can feel the panic rising in your breath.
Prince Hamlet or My Neglected Cactus?
Enjoys pretending to teeter on the brink of breakdown to gain physical and emotional labor from loved ones.
10 Tips to Get Him, a Climate Denier, to Notice You, a Deadly Cat 5 Hurricane
It may seem like the only offshore things he cares about are drilling and banking, but remember, you are a strong, sexy, SENTIENT storm.
Choose Your Own University-Approved Pandemic Teaching Option
You must create a class that can be started online, moved to in-person, then back online, all simultaneously. You have the weekend to figure it out.
I’m Entitled to Excellent Customer Service on Labor Day
Our great nation was built on the backs of people just like me: MBAs who got their jobs through their dad’s business connections.
Is Your Child a Cactus, a Sourdough Starter, or a Dildo?
What does your child do for fun? A) Mescaline. B) Sits quietly while parents read NYT Cooking section. C) Derives enjoyment from pleasing others.