Our Neighborhood Watch Is Just a Guy Holding a Plastic Bag Watching Women Parallel Park
We dispatch a man with a plastic bag (full of loose Arizona iced teas) to stare at her so hard she gets the dry sweats.
Tag: Cars
To Whomever Stole My 2007 Volvo XC70: You Have Made a Terrible Mistake
Consider that if you had stolen a different car (like my neighbor’s Prius, as an arbitrary example) and left mine unharmed.
Uncle Steve’s Offensive Driving Course for Young Drivers: A Syllabus
Course Materials/Payment: Double Baconator with large fry OR Pack of cigs (Camel preferred) OR 6-pack of Miller Lite
I Thought I Was Reporting a Simple Story About Pothole Repairs—I Couldn’t Believe I Was Right
If there wasn’t something more to it, I would be pretty bored and not have a good shot at turning it into a series of Pulitzer Prize-winning articles.
Solutions to Traffic Congestion the City Is Willing to Try
Asking everybody to scooch over. Or tilt the city a little bit so that everybody rolls one way.
My Self-Driving Car Lets Me Focus On It Killing Me
Better to be in a state of terrified anxiety that your autopilot could end your life at any moment.
I’m Terrified Those “Fast & Furious” Guys Will Come to My City Next
The real problem we urbanites face every? The problem of Dominic Toretto and his family of ne’er-do-wells.
This Getaway Car Is from “Pimp My Ride”
Just kinda set the money bags on your knees. I’d tell you to move the gold-plated racquet holder, but it’s welded to the center console.
Questions on the Job Application to Drive the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile
If you woke up and your partner was an Oscar Mayer wiener, how long could your grief stop you from eating them?
If This Van’s a Rockin’, Then Don’t Come a Bothering Me While I Try to Fuck This Van
I’m a lover, but that doesn't mean I don’t have boundaries. So I set in place this one simple rule to make sure no one is allowed to disturb me.
Buddy, You Went and Messed with the Right Guy
Are you fucking with me? Because if you are, I swear to God that, with ZERO hesitation, I will absolutely let you do that.
Tough Conversations with My Mechanic Bruce Springsteen
Bruce: With this very unpleasin' sneezin' and wheezin, she’s revved up like a deuce. Me: Layman’s terms? Bruce: It’s totaled.