As the population of the city grows, so does its citizens’ incessant need to be in different places. Start-up founders who love ketamine and know a guy in the mayor’s office are hard at work, dedicated to finding a solution to commute times and congestion just so long as it doesn’t involve a subway, bus, or bike lane. Their commitment to urban planning and horse tranquilizers is as steadfast as their ideas are disruptive.
- In partnership with Chippendales, a total hunk picks you up in the air. He spins you around on his hands, then launches you like a discus across town. Another hunk catches you at your destination, ideally.
- Water slides. Do you know what’s not reliable? Traffic lights. You know what is reliable? An army of hungover 15-year-olds saying “go…go…go…”
- Asking everybody to scooch over.
- Tilt the city a little bit, or lots, so that everybody rolls one way. According to studies, the city will have completed an escalator by the time you need to go the other way.
- What’s that? You need to go to work? Well, make a lot of bees angry. That will motivate you to get away from them and to your job. Don’t have a lot of bees? Picture bees. You know what bees are.
- One more highway lane. But this time, it is painted rainbow.
- Boomerangs big enough for people. Boomerangs come back automatically, and don’t really stop before that. That cuts down on meeting times too, which is another thing a boring old bus could never do.
- Slingshots. Just get in the slingshot sweetie, school is in thirty seconds. Yes, you’ll be on time! It’s a slingshot.
- Harnessing the power of hypnotherapy and a guy who says he can talk to animals, we’ll all ride on the backs of a thousand pigeons. What? It’s not like they’re doing anything.
- Actually, everybody stay still.