Seven Reasons to Put Your Cat in the Microwave
Think about it, why not put your cat in the microwave? Last I heard (and contrary to what our "president" seems to think), this is still a free country. Just do it.
Tag: Animals
It’s Time We Educated Our Male Cats About Rape Culture
Following my male cat's attempt to have sex with his sister, I realized that the real problem is endemic to the culture of rape in which he, and all cats, live.
Sure, Cecil the Lion was Killed, But What About My Overfed Fish?
The world has wept for Cecil the Lion. But what about Thurgood, my overfed Siamese fighting fish? My friend left him to die and certainly this deserves as much attention.
Dear High School Class of 2015: Raptors Will Take Your Jobs
Raptors are not just dim-witted lizards anymore. They can open doors, hack your phone, and steal your car. And they're threatening to takie your jobs right now.
An Open Letter to All the Ungrateful Animals I’ve Rescued
I could have easily crushed you. At no time did you outwit me or save yourself. If I wanted to I could have passed you by and let nature take its course, but I didn’t.
Don’t You DARE Touch My Nuts
You're just gonna roll up like some kind of rouge detective and start stealing my hard-earned, strategically buried nuts from their strategic hiding places? NO WAY.
Is Your Chicken Tired?
“You should always let your meat rest after it’s been cooked," they say. Does the chicken really need to rest after two hours of inactivity? Isn’t being dead rest enough?
The Requisite Horror of De-Balling My Dog
Employing a more acceptable word like "neuter" would not alter the graphic significance of such a canine procedure, at least to any human male.
Your Cat Hates You, Guaranteed
Your cat views you as its food whore and excretion technician during the day. At night, your cat sits in the dark like an egg-laying hen, fantasizing your end days.
Owl Facts
No doubt Owl is one of the most interesting birds that exist in this universe. It is responsible not only for social media, but a boyfriend's enraged jealous face.
I Look for the Horse Sex
After stumbling on his internet search, all I can picture is my dad fucking a horse. It's not something you can let slide, like forgetting to turn the AC off.
How to Have Sex with Dolphins
For years the modern man has been fascinated by the dolphin's purported ability to have sex for pleasure. But to get a dolphin in the mood, it needs proper foreplay.