How to Tell If Your Cat is Homophobic
Homophobic Tell #2: Your cat tries scratching your eyes out whenever Modern Family is on. Uh-oh, it looks like Mr. Whiskers needs some tough love.
Tag: Animals
I Wish Cats Would Get Depressed Like the Rest of Us (Especially Me)
I got a cat to cheer me up, and frankly I've never been more miserable. If only cats got depressed, that sure would brighten up my day.
Revealing Excerpts From Winnie the Pooh’s Diary
June 17: Eeyore finally offed himself. We all knew it was coming, and what did we do? Did nothing, sed nothing. I shood have been a better friend. I shood have been there fore him.
Fido’s “Good Dog” Award Acceptance Speech
For generations, all of dogkind has pondered the age-old question: Who is a good dog? Is it me? Is it? Is it??? Now we finally know: it's me.
Ultimate Dog®: Male Dog Enhancement to Get Those Bitches Howling!
ATTENTION BREEDERS! Ultimate Dog® can make ANY Dog a Horn Dog! Whether it’s a Lazy Bloodhound, or a Gay Chihuahua, your pedigree will be looking for pussy in no time flat!
The Pros and Cons of Allowing Horses to Become Doctors
Should horses be allowed to practice medicine? Here is a quick cost-benefit analysis.
I’d Love to Get Eaten
If I got eaten, nobody would be sour on me anymore. They’d use words like “valiant” to describe my life and valiant death.
Teaching My First Class at Caveman High
I didn't choose to be transported to a pre-historic age, but I did choose to become the teacher of the cavemen and women once I got there. No Neanderthal left behind!
Can Trump Stop Dominating the News So I Can Finally Do My Segment on Guinea Pigs? By John Oliver
I didn't come all the way from England and finally get my own HBO program only to rant about an orange devil destroying our planet each week. I came to talk about guinea pigs.
Statistically Speaking, Most Accidents Happen in the Home… My Home
Just last Thursday I was entertaining over 50,000 guests at my bi-weekly “Salute to Bear Traps,” which was meant to be just a fun, casual, and accident-free celebration. Oops.
King Kong Will Ultimately Be Responsible for a Real-Life Planet of the Apes
It's hard to know whether King Kong would have wanted this war to occur. But he alone will be ultimately responsible for causing all apes to unite under one banner and revolt.
The Cold Hard Truth About Snuffalupagus
So, you want the inside scoop on Snuffy, Big Bird’s best pal? Well, here’s the cold, hard truth: Mr. Snuffalupagus wasn’t imaginary at all, he was a crook.