Am I Describing My Broken Car to My Mechanic, or Describing My Miniature Labradoodle?
I know it’s not very masculine, but it’s really more for my family than anything. I would have gone with a bigger one if not for my wife.
Tag: Animals
I Am Leaving My Job to Become a Cowboy Following the Success of My Halloween Costume
If you want a salesman who spends all day practicing spitting into a spittoon so it makes a "ping" noise, I’m your guy.
Review Your Monkey’s Paw Order on Amazon
"I got this weird monkey’s paw from some dude hanging outside of Port Authority. I was trying to buy weed and he said he had something stronger? Lol"
Championship Racehorse or Joe Bidenism?
Some of these are horses that made the turns and came out on top. Some are turns of phrase associated with a horse still in the running.
I’m a Proudly Ambitious Burmese Python, but I Think I’ve Made a Huge Mistake
It is so very, very stuck. Goddamnit, Frank. Goddamnit. You just had to eat the whole thing, didn’t you? You know better than to try shit like this.
Please Stop Using Me, A Polar Bear, As the Poster Child for Climate Change
I wanted to send an official cease and desist but my lawyer melted in 2016 so now I have to speak for myself.
Is My Dog Spanky a Good Boy, or a Foot Soldier for the Patriarchy?
He gets excited when I feed him, but seems lukewarm when I reach important academic milestones or make advancements in my career.
Actually, This IS My First Rodeo
Is there a changing area? I was thinking of wearing my cycling gear for the riding events because of the butt padding—makes my thighs look amazing.
10 Reasons Why Dog Owners in Seattle Made Me Hate Dogs
It’s a street fair, not a dog park. Your unpredictable canine is not having fun and neither am I. You can’t be apart for one hour? Seek therapy.
Shark Week This Year Should Finally Address Why Sharks Won’t Date Nice Guys Like Me
I celebrate their beauty and empower their right to feel sexy. But no matter how nice I am to sharks, they still refuse to let me be their boyfriend.
Disney’s Latest Casting Decision is an Assault on our Judeo-Christian Tradition
I’m not angry at Disney. Who among us hasn’t been forced to decide between keeping all stories predictably white or…not doing that? It’s a tough call.
Dear Hiker Who Was Totally Pulling Off a Neckerchief
Do neckerchiefs not itch against your perfect scruff? Who decides that your face fur should stay at a golden quarter inch?