Trendy Hairstyles for Owners of Non-Mammalian Pets
Our guide to this season’s hottest hairstyles will have you looking fresher than an aquarium after a water change.
Tag: Animals
The Raven Files a Formal Complaint Against Abusive Customer Edgar Allan Poe
But when I began to say, “Nevermore Courier Service requires your signature for this same-day trowel delivery,” I only got the first word out.
Hot Trends in Realtor Profile Poses
Waist up. Open-neck shirt, light blue. Body angled but just barely, so the viewer wonders, "Is his body angled or not?" One hand across waist.
Cancelling Teddy Roosevelt’s Elementary School Gym Class
It's just that you've brought too much of that raw, "I survived a war where they still used horses" spirit to your position here.
From the Spider on Your Dashboard, with Love
At first, I was frightened of you, unsure of your intentions, and your driving style did nothing to calm me.
Passive-Aggressive Co-Worker or Your Domestic Shorthair?
No matter how sincerely you attempt to connect with them, they seem to live by the philosophy "treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen."
It’s That Time of Year Again When My Seasonal Affective Disorder Kicks in and I Transform into Glargor the Cave Troll
Like Bruce Banner turns into The Hulk when he gets angry, I turn into Glargor whenever the concentration of Vitamin D in my blood dips below 15 ng/ml.
I’m Little Lamb, and Mary Never Had Me
Our relationship---scratch that---friendship started when her sorority hired a petting zoo for a charity fundraiser.
Obituaries for a Thanksgiving Turkey
He passed the way he lived, with quiet dignity. Nourishing the owners of Grace Organic Farm with the bravery, honor, and tender thighs of a true hero.
Prosaic Texts from My Single Dad
Redoing my will tomorrow. I may need your social security number. Don’t text it! / I just watched Get Out. Excellent.
Five Netflix Series That Falsely Accuse Me of Taking a Bath with the Chimps at the Zoo
A Chimp-Bather Among Us: This two-part documentary series suggests that on May 7, 2014, I stripped naked and scrubbed myself along with the chimps.
The Email Conversation I Had with My Middle School Vice Principal after Repeatedly Butt-Dialing Him While Riding a Mechanical Bull
"Unless this is some sort of street lingo I need to brush up on, I think you may have accidentally contacted me. LOL!"