My Right to Wear a Beard of Bees Shall Not Be Infringed!
Any establishment that denies me entry because I have twenty-seven thousand honeybees swarming on his face has no regard for personal freedom.
Tag: Animals
I Must Resign After Everyone Saw Me Lose a Game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a Chicken
In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn’t have loudly invited every member of staff to come watch me “roast this bird” at tic-tac-toe.
We Apologize to Campers Who Expected Loons but Got Lions
For example, our description page should have read, “Lull yourself to sleep to the haunting cry of lions echoing across the lake.”
Maybe You Don’t Need Masks After All, By a North American Vulture
Don't forget it's scorching outside—do you really want to inconvenience yourself with a hot face? That's a cruelty no meat should suffer.
Sheep Want to Reclaim the Word “Sheep”
What's so bad about herd life? We share the same habits (grass), passions (grass), and politics (reduce your carbon pawprint...and grass).
Situations in Which You’re Going to Want to Have the Cart before the Horse
The horse is grocery shopping. Is the horse supposed to pull the grocery cart? No. The horse has to push the grocery cart just like everybody else.
Cover Letter from Your New Kitten
I plan to hit the ground running, and then run some more, and then more, then hit a wall, and then puke on your open laptop.
Sure, My Name Is Batman, But That Doesn’t Mean I Was the Conduit for Coronavirus to Jump from Bats to Humans
Please stop graffitiing the Batmobile with hurtful slogans like “The Caped Contager” and “The Dark Blight.”
Transcript from the Murder Trial of My Teddy Bear
The mortician had examined Mr. Bear’s three major organs: the soft and cuddly organ, the unconditional love organ, and of course, the colon.
Other Things in a Kangaroo’s Pouch
A love letter, never sent / Pocket Bible (illustrated) / Hard candies, all unwrapped / Sack of flour dressed like a baby, for practice
How to Apologize for Your Racist Dog
How many of you have dogs who display selective aggression towards people of races other than your own? Everyone again. Frustrating, isn’t it?
The Last All-Bro Society: Jane Goodall’s Revolutionary New Study
After watching for a month, surviving on nothing but beef jerky and "good vibez," I have begun to understand their culture and how they operate.