How to Apologize for Your Racist Dog
How many of you have dogs who display selective aggression towards people of races other than your own? Everyone again. Frustrating, isn’t it?
Tag: Animals
The Last All-Bro Society: Jane Goodall’s Revolutionary New Study
After watching for a month, surviving on nothing but beef jerky and "good vibez," I have begun to understand their culture and how they operate.
A Letter from Your Deprived Coronavirus Pomeranian
I eat at dawn. As soon as the sun's crescent pierces the horizon I will eat my dog chow. Or else I will go ape shit.
Congratulations Caterpillar, In a Month You’ll Be Flying! But Your Mouth and Jaw Will Be Gone and You’ll Have a Long Skinny Horror Tube
Oh, and instead of those dozens of legs you’re used to, you’ll have six legs and there’ll be basically tongues on the end of each of them.
I’m a Feral Pigeon, and I’m Running to Replace the Bald Eagle as the Avian Symbol of American Freedom in 2020
As a real American bird, I’m going to get down on the ground and fight a sewer rat for half of a discarded Chalupa.
Other Nicknames You Can Call Me Besides Vinny “Chickenshit” DiLorenzo
Despite everything I do, the only thing anyone can remember is a rumor that I mistook chicken poop for Runts candy.
The Three Little Pigs During Coronavirus
The first little pig went to a boardwalk bar, met up with single pigs, and thought masks were for tree-hugging liberals and was a Democratic hoax.
Ways to Reform the Agitated Bear in the Center of Town
We will ensure the bear sits through an hour of sensitivity training that contradicts the lifetime of violent impulses it has acquired.
Every Writer’s Essay About Their Cat
My cat was born in hell. She exists solely to antagonize me and if anything ever happened to her I would kill everyone and then kill myself.
I Am the Raccoon Who Lives in Your Trash and We Need to Talk about Your Diet
And your chicken nuggets are shaped like Shrek. How old are these things? They haven’t promoted a Shrek movie since 2010.
Bear in Hibernation or Millennial in Quarantine?
Works hard but makes no money / Loves avocado and salmon breakfasts / Obsessed with filtered water / Goes on many long, sad walks
My Name Is Old MacDonald and I Had More Than a Farm, I Had a Family
First there was a cluck-cluck here, then a cluck-cluck there, but soon my nightmares were filled with the cooings and cawings of the foulest fowl.