No matter what kind of drop-out, degenerate, divorced, good-for-nothing member of society you are there’s a betting site just for you!

As sports betting continues to become legalized in states with budget deficits, where the only options left are defunding the public school system or making money through gambling taxes, there’s plenty of ways to donate your coronavirus stimulus checks to those who are significantly less needy.

Before choosing a betting site you’re going to have to think about what kind of punter you are.

If you’re a millennial male who lives and dies by the words of America’s greatest fraternity, Barstool Sports, then the Barstool Sportsbook will undoubtedly be where you waste most of your father’s Wall Street money.

The great thing about the Barstool Sportsbook is that there will be plenty of time for you and your Stoolie boys to jack each other off before your $3,000 parlays lose in the 3rd quarter of a Pistons vs Magic NBA match.

If you’re prone to taking gambling advice from your Dallas Cowboys-loving, 55-year-old uncle’s single best friend, then a classic US betting site like Irish-owned Fanduel is probably your best bet.

No, Fanduel is not just for fantasy sports, and after you fail to claim your $1,000 Risk-Free Bet you’ll have the option of sending various emails and live chats to friendly customer support staff who “understand your frustration” but “can’t refund lost bets because you added too many zeros” to your stake.

Or perhaps you come from the country where citizens lose an average of $1,000 a year on gambling i.e. you’re a worldly Australian redneck. Then you’ll probably prefer the true international sportsbook, Bet365.

In Australia, and around the world in countries that have tried and failed to keep foreign bookmakers from praying on their most vice-ridden citizens, Bet365 is widely regarded as one of the “best betting sites.”

With Bet365’s extensive live betting options you’ll be able to throw your savings directly into the pocket of Denise Coates as you bet on everything from the next corner in an under-17 Turkish women’s football match to which pale teenager will get the most gold in a Dota 2 match.

If you don’t fit any of these categories, i.e. you’re a real washout with no hope of doing anything productive in your life then you’ll likely choose a betting site that’s nobody’s favorite (except the websites that get paid to promote them) like Unibet.

This Swedish bookmaker prides itself on socialist principles like fair access to all, high taxes and never restricting players based on race, sexuality or levels of addiction.

That’s right, if you accidentally find yourself winning, don’t worry because Unibet will be sure to limit your bets until you become a losing player again in no time.

So there you have it, four of America’s best betting sites for nobodies who are sick of spending their money on Clash of Clans and just can’t wait to go back to living in their parents’ basements.

More Like This

Comedy Courses