There comes a time in every Stoolie’s life when him and his boys—Weegan, Cumlord, Jose Canseco, etc.—must take the steps to legally discard a Barstool Flag. As the flag code—which can be found in the Barstool Handbook, in between “Making Your Entire Personality Saturdays Are For The Boys” and “The Aaron Hernandez Innocence Project”—states, “The Flag should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably in a way that is disrespectful towards women.”
Whether you spilled your Narragansett on the flag upon learning the Joker wasn’t from New England or you ripped the flag in anger when you heard Barstool writers were considering unionizing, it’s important you follow these directions very closely.
- The first thing you need to do is gather your boys for the ceremony. Pop out your Barstool Boost Mobile—only $350 from our online store!—and get on the horn with your Stoolies. Need more people? Go ahead and invite people from The Chive—we’re basically the same website! If your ceremony has any people of color, please, please send us a photo. We could really use it!
- Now you need to properly fold your flag. Print out a picture of your favorite Raytheon Presents: High School Senior Barstool Smokeshow—mine is Jackie from the Dorchester Dairy Queen—and put it on top of the barstool on the flag. Fold the flag once for every boxset of Rick and Morty Season 2 you own (six in total).
- Take your El Presidente Pantie Cutters—only $49.99 from our online store!—and cut the flag, carefully avoiding the stars (they symbolize the number of times you’ve been arrested for DUIs).
- Build a fire facing Mecca (Fenway Park). To keep it burning, add our 40-page Sexual Harassment Waiver that states female employees are “actually chill with all this.” As you wait for the fire to grow, discuss how Stoolies are different from the alt-right, despite being culturally and politically aligned. Once you start to feel bad, the fire should be ready. NOTE: This is one of the few moments where it’s ok for a Stoolie to cry. The others are when Tom Brady kissed his son on the lips, the day the twins from the Coors Light commercial die, and during the entire runtime of American Sniper.
- Place the flag in the fire. Take a moment to reminisce about the Barstool Blackout Tour Foam Party at BU in 2012. Remember when your girlfriend left with an Asher Roth knockoff, so you and Schmitty went back to your dorm room, watched 13 hours of Blue Mountain State, then jacked off to Carls Jr. commercials? That was the greatest night of your life.
- As the flag burns, begin reading the Barstool Last Rites. These should also be read during funerals, Call of Duty death screens, and child custody hearings. The Barstool Last Rites are simple. It goes, “Through this holy anointing, may El Pres in his love and mercy help you find your own Smokeshow of the Week.” Finish by reading aloud all of the tweets you sent to Deadspin journalists, in ascending order of how much you actually wanted to say a racial slur.
- After the flag has completely burned, collect the ashes in your Barstool Tomi Lahren Fleshlight—only $79.99 from our online store!—and ground ship it to your nearest Dunkin’ Donuts. We’ll take it from there.
And that’s it! If any of these directions confuse you, please contact our support team, which is made up of five sophomores from UMass Lowell working unpaid internships with the promise that they could be introduced to Seth MacFarlane’s “Ted” in real life.