Random Snippets will be a feature on this Blog. Basically, random snippets are just chunks of conversation from my life, taken out of context and slapped on this Blog.
Me: There comes a time in your life when your parents stop buying milk just for you, so instead of feeling obligated to drink the milk they purchased for you, you feel bad for drinking milk that they purchased for themselves.
Ben: So what you’re saying is: you know you’ve grown up when you no longer get the guilt free milk.
Me: Yup.
Me: Geeks crack me up.
Ben: That’s a snippet, right there.
Teri: I can’t believe you asked the funeral director how much he makes per carcass.
Me: I just wanted an average.
Teri: It’s your use of words. You can’t call someone’s loved one a carcass.
Me: It’s a business. The guy is in the carcass business. What can I do?
Teri: Uh, quit being such a jerk.
Ben: I love weddings. Everyone is so sociable and emotional and… drunk.
Toni: I told her that she should not provide him with oral on their wedding night. I was like, honey, there’s no reason for you to do that.
Me: You’re like, the most evil person ever.
Nick: Seriously, who brought her?
Craig: That guy’s like the slowest bartender ever. He’s slower than molasses.
Me: He’s slower than the special school district.
Teri: That’s slow.
Me: You can’t really win at Tetris.
Lauren: You can only lose less?
Me: You know what I mean: you get the high score and then some other Tetris motherfucker comes along and knocks you off.
Ben: Did you just say Tetris motherfucker?
Me: It’s Memorial Day and we’re sitting in a hotel bar watching lacrosse.
Nick: Are you trying to make a point here?
Me: So you have a Florida Driver’s License, California cell-phone number and Iowa license plates. Where’s your residency, anyway?
Ben: Mind your own business.
Me: She told me to stick my thumb in her ass.
Ben: So, what’s wrong with that?
Me: I don’t know. It just seemed kind of disgusting. I told her I’d stick her little G-spot dildo in her ass instead.
Ben: But dude, the thumb is more intimate.
Me: Who are you? Doctor fucking Phil.
Me: What up, Nucka?
Peek: It’s nicka?
Brain: I though it was nugga.
Me: Shut up Nucka, it’s always been nucka.
Peek: I think it’s always been nicka and you just changed it to nucka.
Brain: What happened to nugga?
Me: There was never a nugga or a nicka, nuckas. It’s always been nucka.
Peek: Whatever, nugga. Like you speak for the white man Ebonics society.
Brain: I’m leaving this conversation now.
Me: Good call.