1. Carefully read over the job description. Have a thorough understanding of the company’s qualifications – that seven years of prior experience needed for an entry-level job is completely normal. You’re actually the problem. So get to work, you juvenile wastrel! Dab!
2. Contact the employer. Message one of the staff through LinkedIn, Facebook and carrier pigeon about your potential interest. Yes, do all three. Dab!
3. Research the company. Find out what the employers value. The best way to discover this information is to retrieve the hiring manager’s home location via Snapchat. Once you have sieged the house, don their business attire, gaze into the mirror, and meld into one mind. Now you know what type of worker they’re looking for. Return to your post with this new information. You are ready to begin applying. T-Pose!
4. Tailor your resume. Attach it with lots of Finsta nudes (your selfie portfolio is only optional, but also highly recommended). Also include your accomplishments and stuff. Dab!
5. Write an original cover letter. No one’s turning heads for a basic bitch cover letter. Have a killer hook, something banger with key words like, “Listen up, you corporate-ass lickers. Hand over the job, or I swear to god, I’m gonna come over there and break your fucking kneecaps. You think that’s funny? You think I’m bluffing? I’m coming over, you moldy capitalist fucks. I’m about to fold you like cake batter. Wassup? I’m about to– Wait, put the rifle down. Listen, I’m sorry! Let’s just forget this happened! Please, I’m begging! I really need a job! Anything menial to pay off accruing student debt! Anything! What do you want from me? I’ll do anything, I fucking swear! You want me to lick your Oxford shoes clean? You want me to bend over and bark? You want me to wear lederhosen and clogs while I tap dance to alphorn electro-pop and rub this yummy Bavarian cream under my armpits? Mmm, yea, you like that?! I’ll do it all! I swear! Mmmm…” Pro-tip: Teutonophilia is original. Woke!
6. Fill out the last sections. For the segment asking, “How did you hear about this opening?” reply that you were referred by mutual employer David Dobrik. There’s always a David Dobrik. If inquired, “What is your race?” answer either “human” or “Le Mans ’66” to indicate you’re no philistine, having watched Academy-worthy picture, Ford v Ferrari. If nagged, “Are you disabled?” always check “no” even if you are. Flex!
7. Double check. Review your imported application by smashing your head two times against the keyboard. Skrr skrr!
8. Give a proper sendoff. Before hitting send: Kiss farewell because your baby application will very soon trudge into aimless battle, dissipating and ultimately ceasing into millions of coded dust particles after one dreaded click. Its lost soul will wade through a vast, virtual void along others of its ilk, never to be seen by a naked eye again, and never ever to return as bearer of good news for its creator. This will be a heartrending and maturing process for you whippersnappers, so make sure you elucidate this info in your next therapy session. Depression!
9. Stay blindly hopeful. Oof, survival is slim. But remember that you’re still young so your body is still marketable, and everything will be a-okay. Yeet!