You travel back in time and kill your grandfather, meaning that you were never born and thus can’t have traveled back in time. What would happen if such an event were to actually occur? Theoretical physicist Michio Kaku has asked me to stop sending him my ideas, but I’ll let you decide for yourself:

  • When you kill your grandfather, you enter a parallel timeline where you don’t exist, which teaches you a valuable lesson about the importance of a simple life well lived.
  • You missed.
  • When you shoot your grandfather, it prevents you from being born, meaning you didn’t shoot your grandfather, thus resolving the paradox in a satisfying manner.
  • Anyone who tries to create a paradox gets stopped by theoretical physicist Michio Kaku and his incredible superpowers.
  • At least, that’s what I would say if I thought theoretical physicist Michio Kaku had secret superpowers, but that’s just silly, right?
  • *winks*
  • This is the reason you have two grandfathers: so you have a spare in case of exactly this sort of situation.
  • You’re only allowed to travel back in time if you pinky promise not to shoot your grandfather.
  • The stork brings you anyway,
  • Your grandmother takes you out with a sniper rifle from a rooftop.
  • When you go back in time, instead of entering your own timeline, you enter a parallel timeline, giving your grandfather just enough time to escape.
  • Paradoxes are fine, actually; you just think they’re not because you don’t understand how time works.
  • Time is an illusion created by a secret league of grandfathers to win arguments by appealing to “experience.”
  • Theoretical physicist Michio Kaku performs CPR.
  • Your grandfather raised you better than that.
  • Murder is illegal, so this situation would never happen.
  • By the time time travel is invented, your grandfather is already dead anyway.
  • I’ve met lots of people who have told me they don’t have grandfathers, so it’s not a problem at all, apparently.
  • Theoretical physicist Michio Kaku personally inseminates your grandmother to ensure time remains whole.
  • Was it weird for me to suggest that? I’m sorry if that was weird, Michio. Can I call you Michio?
  • Mr. Kaku? Are you there, Mr. Kaku?
  • You can only kill your grandfather if you promise to be born anyway.
  • Everyone’s grandfathers have been secretly switched just in case.
  • The integrity of the timeline is protected by a daring duo: theoretical physicist Michio Kaku and humor article writer Lillie E. Franks. With his scientific knowledge and her good ideas, they’re here to take a bite… out of time!!!
  • They also have a time machine that can talk and it makes jokes like, “Well, I’d call this a when-when situation,” and there’s a hot dog stand that they always go to, but the hot dog vendor can also mysteriously tell when the timeline has changed, and I’m thinking he’ll be played by a really big ticket actor.
  • I’ve got several episodes written up. Please contact me about this.
  • It’s tentatively Titled Kaku and Franks: Time Warriors, but I’m open to changing that. Please call?

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