FROM: HEAD OF DEVELOPMENT, NICKELODEON STUDIOS
SUBJECT: 7 REBOOT IDEAS FOR OUR MILLENNIAL AUDIENCE
With the success of the iCarly reboot, we now know one thing: Millennials love revamped classic properties with an adult spin. And now, I think it’s about time we populated our production runway with reboots of classic Nickelodeon properties from the '90s and 2000s. A few ideas below that I’ve thought of while sipping Cognac on one of my pleasure boats.
We should get moving on these ASAP!! Also, please note that I’ve only done a cursory glance at each show’s Wikipedia entry.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF COMMITMENT?
Now in their forties, our original cast has come together not to exchange scary stories of monsters and ghosts, but scary stories about relationships and marital troubles. We can even have episode titles like “The Tale of the Weeping Wife” and “The Tale of My Sexless Marriage.”
THE CO-DEPENDENCY OF PETE & PETE
Pete & Pete gave siblings around the world #relationshipgoals. And today, Pete & Pete are close as ever, living in their childhood home and having whacky adventures just like the good ol' days. Can’t you just see an episode where the two Petes have to deal with their overwhelming mounds of old newspapers and cat food containers? Or maybe they have to convince their wellness officer that they’re not a danger to themselves or society? The comedy practically writes itself!
Milennials loved Arnold’s unyielding optimism as a kid (not me, I always thought after Season 1, he became a total whimp), but now Arnold is thirty-five, running the last tenement house in Brooklyn with his wife, childhood sweetheart Helga. His youthful optimism, however, is gone and now he just rants and raves about bills, gentrification, renter’s rights, and de Blasio. Either way, his jingoistic rants are always met with the show’s catchphrase, “OK, Arnold.”
AS TOLD BY GINGER TO A COURT REPORTER
What’s all the rage right now? True crime! In this reboot of the oft-forgotten series, Ginger must face her family’s alleged killer during a contentious trial that’s sure to be a media circus. Just imagine the diary entries!
What did every kid like the most about Doug? Quailman! What’s the hottest show with Millennials right now? I’m not sure, but I assume it’s Marvel-related. This can be our chance to give Quailman that gritty standalone show that he’s deserved for far too long. I’m talking hard, no-nonsense action with blood, betrayal, and sexual tension. No nudity, though, as we need to avoid the TV-MA label—though we can imply he and Patti Mayonnaise are totally a thing.
ROCKO’S POST-MODERN LIFE
What’s this? Rocko decided to go to grad school for his MFA? How will he deal with student loans, bad credit, coeds, existential dread, alcoholism, and burnt-out teachers trying to secure tenure? I don’t know! That’s for our writers to figure out, since they’re familiar with everything I’ve listed above.
CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL TO HER SHRINK
Clarissa is back, and she’s trading in her bed for a therapist’s couch! Why? After a nervous breakdown resulted in a workplace incident, Clarissa must attend a weekly session with her court-appointed therapist or go to prison. Each episode can be filled with buzzwords about workplace culture—imposter syndrome, unpromotable work, leaning-in—that Millennials find so appealing. We can even go the prison route if we don’t find the former sexy enough.
Anyway, words are becoming fuzzy to me now, so let’s just schedule a Zoom meeting soon to discuss the particulars! Enjoy your Tuesday everyone!