1. Start wearing a sweatshirt with the word “CHEATER” to the cafe.
2. Casually mention that you won a Keurig in a raffle and you’re trying to figure out what to do with it. Ignore all of the barista’s recommendations and insist that “actually, it works just fine.”
3. Look deep into your barista’s eyes as you shed a tear or two and insist that “it’s not you, it’s my Keurig.”
4. Dress for the gym and pack your duffle bag full of loose K-Cup Pods. When it’s time to order your drink, open it and give them a direct view.
5. AirDrop everyone in the cafe a photo of you and your Keurig. Stand up on a tabletop and proclaim, “I’m just a girl, standing in front of my barista, asking if it’s okay that I go home to my Keurig.”
6. Drop them off a little card reading, “machine thing make coffee for me now.” Bee-boop-bee-boop your way out the door.
7. Instead of ordering something off the menu, hand your barista a K-Cup Pod and a mug you brought from home. When they give you a bewildered look, respond with, “What, you don’t know how to make coffee?”
8. Pull your wallet out when paying and flash your cute family photos. Have the last one be a photobooth selfie of you and your Keurig.
9. Order a 3-month supply of K-Cup Pods online and have it sent to the cafe.
10. Change your Facebook profile picture to your Keurig. Then friend your barista.
11. Bring a stroller with you into the cafe. When your barista asks who’s with you today, pull back the canopy and reveal your Keurig.
12. Order a croissant and go have a seat. Pull your Keurig out of your bag and plug it into an outlet. Make yourself a cup of coffee, and when your barista asks what you’re doing, say, “I’m just like everyone else in the shop, I’m using my electronic device.” Proceed like nothing happened (maybe it’s okay that you got one after all).
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