1. It does not owe the government $72,328 in student loans.
  2. It has seen someone naked within the past year.
  3. It does not have an ingrown hair on its nipple.
  4. It did not go to Skate Way in 6th grade and ask Derek McTollander if it liked him only to have him say, “Ew no” to its face and skate away.
  5. It has never handed out welcome flyers at a hippie music festival with a huge booger clearly visible in its right nostril.
  6. It has not been banned from the nearest Pizza Hut.
  7. It did not let out a surprise squeak-fart in front of Geoff Rizoli when trying to drunkenly get up from a lawn chair at a party after Homecoming.
  8. It has not had to discover that pubes also turn grey.
  9. It has not lost countless hours of its life fantasizing about being in the middle of a Falcon and Winter Soldier sandwich.
  10. It does not feel like it missed out on buying Bitcoin at a decent price.
  11. It is not an elementary teacher failing miserably at trying to get nine in-person and 17 virtual third graders to create models of equivalent fractions.
  12. Its bristles do not get frizzy without the precise ratio of leave-in conditioner to gel.
  13. It isn’t worried about its credit score after forgetting to pay its Ann Taylor Loft credit card for three months.
  14. It did not tell Joey Stauffer that “his smile lights up brighter than the full moon” only to have him say, “I gotta get gas,” jump in his truck, and haul ass.
  15. It is not bitter and sad and scared and lonely because it’s over forty and never got married.
  16. It has no understanding of climate change and is not trying to figure out where its unmarried single self can live so that it is far enough inland not to be near the flooding coasts but not too far inland that it’s surrounded by drought and tornadoes, while also being far enough north not to be fried by 100+ degree weather, but also far enough south not to be frozen by a new ice age, all while near a plentiful fresh water source and a population large enough to offer potential partners who would marry a woman over forty.
  17. It is not absolutely positive it’s going to die alone in an underfunded retirement home run by apathetic idiots who are only idiots because some elementary teacher didn’t do a good enough job teaching fractions.
  18. It’s minty.

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