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Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don't worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.

“Nice zombie costume!” the kids at Halloween exclaimed as I opened the door in my usual work-from-home clothes.

If you don’t finish the punchline of a dad joke, it becomes an absentee father joke.

I was listening to a news story on the radio about a family whose house had burned down and they lost everything, and I started to cry because I realized I’m now that person who listens to radio.

When your friends go out for Spanish ham and don't invite you, that's lomo fomo.

Still seeking the level of inner peace of a woman in a commercial eating a single square of dark chocolate.

Your stripper name is the word “horny” and then your regular name.

Forget wikiHow, I need wikiWhy.

My cat hates when I bathe her and to be honest I don't enjoy it all that much either. It takes days to get all her hair out from my throat.

My grandfather worked his entire life in a mirror factory. He just couldn't see himself doing anything else.

I followed in the footsteps of my hero. Now he has a restraining order against me.

Don't let “growing old” get you down; you may not be able to stand back up.

Imagine my surprise discovering “Sex Ed” was just the name of a class and not the name of the coolest guy in high school.

Drinking daily green smoothies can provide up to 80% of your personality.

Stop begging the question. Maybe just ask it nicely?

I always forget that too much socializing gives me the meet sweats.

Don't anthropomorphize your pets. They hate that.

My wife thinks I'm suffering from depression, but I'm just experiencing a reduction in gross domestic product over two consecutive quarters.

I bet if instead of killing yourself you could turn yourself into a turtle, there'd be a lot less suicide and a lot more turtles.

Don't judge me 'til you've cruised a mile in my Heelys.