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Are there intelligent life forms out there in the universe? Well yeah. No one's visited us yet.

“No, I'm not saying I want to sell feet pics. I'm saying I'd like an appraisal.”

“Gimme an ice cream sundae. Make it a double.”
–Child detective

When life gives you lemons, resell them as “rare, heirloom, organic, locally-sourced citrus produce.”

Just because I’m racially ambiguous doesn’t mean you have to guess.

God reminds me of my ex. Why? He expects us to be only with him while he is with everyone.

Between texting and calling, I prefer showing up at your door to see the look on your face when you tell me you’re not home.

I let Jesus take the wheel but ended up at a crossroads.

Here at the Hampton Inn, hospitality is our priority! Our hotel is your home. Now answer me this, would you leave 30 soaking wet hand towels on the bathroom floor of your home?

I will be retiring soon and living on a fixed income, which is great, because I've been on a broken one for years.

I'm not saying I'm better than Jesus. But I have 13 followers, and he only had 12.

Every day I tell my husband how happy he is.

Sometimes I type my computer password incorrectly and hit Enter and my computer rejects it. But then sometimes I hit Enter again as if to say, “Please?”

My first grade teacher was Mrs. Password.

They say you should never meet your heroes. That's why I've never met my dad.

The hangman apologized because he accidentally put the noose under the sentenced man’s arm. “That’s okay,” said the condemned. “Just don’t let it happen again.”

My therapist is writing a book about narcissism, and I'm pretty sure the whole thing is about me.

I’m not jealous of our dog, but would it kill my wife to say “Good boy!” when I poop?

Business idea: HelloFresh, but the meal is already cooked and it's pizza.

When you get Botox, you don’t appear more youthful, you just look like a person who can afford Botox.