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Not all who wander are lost… they're just always in my way when I'm trying to get over to the right exit ramp.

“It's not really ‘rock music' so much as it's a blend of super-inverted neo-eco-organic noncore and a multi-voiced hyper-infarcted pop-rock-steel-feel experimentation in mono-dialogical noise.”
—Rock musician from next door

I’m so paranoid that the other day in the grocery store a guy asked me if I worked here, and I said WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?

Working Titles for Summer 2021:
– Hot Mess Summer
– Vaccine for HPV Summer
– White Boy Can Come But We’ve Got an Eye On Him Summer
– Masks On, Tits Out Summer
– What About the Variants Summer
– Eh, We All Die Eventually Summer
– Oh Right! I Hate Going Out Summer

Repeat after me: I am not a parrot.

If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.

We run our home like a business, so our kids will understand that everything comes with a cost. They've been bugging me for months to raise their allowance, so finally I gave in and said, “Okay, but I'm cancelling your health insurance.”

Me: It was the butler, in the dining room, with the plunger.
Genealogy website: OK. Now enter details about your mother.

None of these therapy dogs even have their degree.

Me: I'm not sure if I'm a “genius.”
Me: I'm not sure if you'd say that I can “spell.”
Me: I'm not sure if I “once left a man for dead” in “the Grand Canyon.”
Me: Sorry, what was the question again?
Interviewer: I haven't asked you anything yet.

Just For Men’s “Touch of Gray” is honestly a lot worse than the other Fifty Shades books.

I have seasonal allergies, which sucks because there are four seasons and one is happening all the time.

“Approach each battle with the persistence of a Norton Security renewal notification, the clandestine secrecy of an overnight Windows update, and the capricious indeterminacy of a printer connection.”
—Sun Tzu, The Art of War

I’m looking for a partner who gives me the level of attention, responsiveness, and general concern that a gym gives me after I've missed a couple of payments.

It's super crazy that toothbrushes were only invented in 2003 and before that everyone just cleaned their teeth with old newspapers.

Doctor: You're losing your hair because you're anxious.
Psychiatrist: You're anxious because you're losing your hair.
Me: *anxiously loses hair*

I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.

My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.

“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss

Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”