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Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those with rich parents.

Honestly, “good and evil” seems like, if it’s that extreme, should be “GREAT and evil.”

“Mommy, what’s that deep groaning sound from inside the walls, saying that being with an adequate partner is preferable to risking a lifetime of loneliness?”
“Don’t worry, Sweetie, that’s just the house settling.”

Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
Never bring a fork to a knife fight.
Never bring a spoon to a fork fight.
Never bring a whisk to a spoon fight.
Never bring an egg to a whisk fight.
Never bring a grape to an egg fight.

People have a glass of wine in the tub and they're just “winding down” and “relaxing.” I shotgun a few beers in the shower and I'm an “alcoholic” and “not even in my own bathroom.”

Now that my eye infection is gone, I have a nfecton.

I started writing notes to self, but I gave up because I never wrote back.

Respiration magazine just released the newest fashion trends:
In: Oxygen
Out: Carbon Dioxide

Jesus spoke to me at church last night. “You wore that yesterday,” he said.

It's crazy how divided this world has become since Pangea.

I'm built different. Worse.

If you live in Houston long enough people start calling you “Tex.” I've lived in Chicago long enough that even my therapist calls me “Ill.”

It takes 12 bees their entire lifetime to make one tablespoon of honey, but less than 13 seconds for me to place a dollop on each of my nipples.

Any restaurant is a drive-thru if you're a bad enough driver.

“I say, Sherlock, how is it that you seem to pay no taxes?”
“Deduction, my dear Watson.”

JFK said, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country's congressmen to change the laws so you can get a larger tax refund to give to that congressman.

I’m bringing back letter writing. Sending one letter a week to a random person for 26 weeks. I’m on “K”, they're all different. The random person is Emilio Estevez, who you might remember as Coach Bombay in the 1992 movie The Mighty Ducks.

At times an instructor might tell you to stand on the balls of your feet, but that kind of hurts the penis of my feet.

I once worked at a used car dealership for cars that would randomly start driving. We stood behind every car we sold.

I have two cats: the black one is named Midnight and the orange one is named 5:45.