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Here's a little good news: The murder rate is going down. It's three hundred dollars now.

Make-up artist on Instagram live: So if you have any questions, leave them in the comments!
Me: *lowers hand*

When an airline pilot says they're taking off today, are they going to work or not?

My favorite part about coffee is not hearing where the beans came from.

“Rules are meant to be broken,” I whisper to myself as I leave my passionfruit tea bag in my mug several minutes past the recommended steeping time.

It’s hard to rebuild a place after a fire. It’s even harder when it’s a wax museum.

You know what Kant said, so no point repeating it.

My grandparents grew up in the Depression. I grew up in the anxiety.

I can see why they went for the brand name “Superdry”—“Arid” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.

They say Newton discovered gravity while quarantined during a plague. Big deal. I discovered vodka.

If you want to make sure another person loves you back, try picking a flower with an odd number of petals.

Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.

A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.

Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.

I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.

I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.

“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.

The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”

One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.