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We Color-Blind people love St. Patrick’s Day. Or as we call it, “International That’s Green For Sure Day.”

I often wish an intruder would break into my home at night because maybe HE will take my Spider-Man pajamas seriously.

It feels like they make movies these days like Midwest winters: no color, cold characters, and lasting a lot longer than you want it to.

I’ve been a cereal stocker for a while at my local grocery store. The pay is okay, but it makes for a terrible introduction when I go on first dates.

I love when movies based on a true story show pictures of the real people during the credits. It’s like, “Here’s the people you just watched, only uglier.”

Bragging about achieving something single-handedly sounds like you only put in half the effort.

Taught my dog how to shake. Now we just need to get her to explain the gap in her resume.

I’m no Olympic biathlete, but it seems to me the most obvious winning strategy would be to shoot all your opponents and take the penalty laps for missing the targets.

He named it “The Lord of the Rings” when he COULD have named it “7 Hobbits of Highly Effective People.”

Me: Can you tell me why I hate my sister?
Therapist: No, I’m a PHYSICAL therapist.
Me: Can you beat up my sister?

It’s not our ability to love that makes us human… it’s our ability to select all the pictures that don’t contain a car.

If Shakespeare knew that more than 400 years after his death, people would still be enjoying his work, would he be happy? Or would he be mad because we still haven't invented flying cars?

The Olympics are kinda cute. It's just one country saying, “Do you guys wanna come over and play some games?”

I remember the very last thing my Uncle Bert ever said to me: “Sarah,” he said, “that little tuft of hair between the ears of that hyena is just begging to be noogied.”

“There’s broken glass in your sandwich, you should send it back.”
Me, mouth bleeding: “I don’t want to be a bother.”

My wife longed to hear the patter of tiny feet around the house, so I canceled our pest control service.

I used to do a lot of speed dating. Now I do a lot of speed alone.

When we’re not looking, there’s a strong chance that dogs do a few sneaky push-ups.

When I babysit my niece, sometimes she'll ask tough questions like, “Where's my mom?” So I have to reply, “Well, your mom's in heaven.” Because I just love the look of childlike wonder on her face when her mom walks through the front door.

I love the Admiral’s Feast at Red Lobster, but I’ll never order the Ensign’s Expired Eel again.