I love summertime. The pool, the sun, the free pass to weary slutty clothes and not be judged for it… there's just so much more freedom that the summer allows for that I can't help but bask in its gloriousness. Don't get me wrong, it does have its drawbacks. For instance, the fact that the humidity turns my hair from that of a girl of Irish/Cherokee heritage to a 13-year-old Jewish boy on the cusp of puberty.

Humidity comparison: girl and Jewish guy

Also, the perpetual swamp ass I find myself having from activities such as running, biking, bending down to pick up the newspaper, and sneezing. Don't let the lady-like behavior of my previous columns fool you, I'm a sweater and the summer months do nothing to help my perspiration situation. That's why I'm glad that summer is basically a three month long Halloween for girls: you don't need an excuse to dress like a whore, it's just expected.

So when June rolls around, I dust off my Daisy Dukes—coochie cutters if you will—and regale in the fact that I have roughly 90 days of scrutiny-free skankiness ahead of me. I'm a full believer in letting clothes do the talking for you. I'm not one for bullshit, so I like letting my wardrobe cut right to the chase in what I'm trying to express:

Girl with jean short daisy dukes aka coochie cutters 

Skirts are also a summer staple. I like skirts because I like the fact that they make it easier for me when I'm drunk and my only bathroom option is the side of the Shell station adjacent to the bar. In my mind, it's the closest I'll ever get to pissing like a man. Skirts also have the added benefit of providing a little breeze for my nether region, ‘cause you don't have to wear underwear with them. Well, you don't have to wear underwear with regular jeans either, but there's a significant decrease in the potential level of chaffage with a skirt.

Girls drinking malt liquor out of a brown bagBut the absolute best thing about summertime is that, for some reason, drinking in public becomes much more socially acceptable. See, when you drink outside of the local grocery store in the middle of December at 1 a.m., people think you're a crazy person. But do that in the middle of July and suddenly, it's okay.

I will say, however, that wearing slutty clothes while drinking outdoors greatly ups your chances of busting your ass and flashing your Pikachu to the entire metropolitan area. Which is why I don't advise doing both at the same time… or, at least if you do, make sure your pubic hair is landscaped into an interesting shape, or something arty, such as an exact replica of Tom Selleck's profile. Because at least then you'll retain some semblance of class.