Since I live in a small town, there's rarely anything to do past 9pm other than see a movie. That being said, I've seen most major (and minor) films that have been in theaters. You would think that this love for cinema would inspire a post about the greatest actors of our time or something about the philosophical gravity that Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel had on me. Nope, today we're going to talk about how and why the movie experience has sucked over the last five years and what I plan on doing about it (writing a snarky article where I offer no solution).

When you go and sit down to enjoy your movie, there are certain "obstacles" you have to sit through before getting to the best part. First, there are the theater's commercials, which are on a looping feed until the movie starts. Then there are more commercials, most of which you just watched, only now you can re-appreciate them in a dimmed setting. Then those are always followed by the bane of my existence: the cell phone ad.

Last time I checked my watch, it was 2010, which means that everyone born after 1994 learned to text around grade 4. We're all used to having cell phones now, which means that we're used to the responsibilities that come with them, including turning them off when we're at a movie—we don't need to be reminded. But for some reason the cell phone companies think that we forget how to use this numbered brick as soon as the lights go down, so they show us a 30-second commercial reminder that tells us to be considerate and turn down our phones. Listen, phone companies: don't try to disguise your commercial as a public service ad, especially by baiting us with the exact thing we aren't supposed to be using. I don't go to a Broadway show to have the actors try to sell me an awesome camera before telling me "no cameras allowed."

After sitting through the slew of commercials, we are treated to the trailers, where the best parts of various movies are revealed in the hopes that we turn around and say, "Woah, sweet, I can't wait to see that" to the people sitting within yelling distance. The problem is that some of the movies coming out aren't particularly funny or even entertaining. But if that was hinted in the trailer then the movie would flop harder than an Italian soccer player. So instead, we're shown trailers that contain not only major spoilers, but in some cases give away the funniest jokes of the movie. Take Death at a Funeral for example: it was a funny movie but most of the jokes were crammed into the trailer. When you see a joke, it doesn't get funnier after six months; that's not how comedy works.

Not to mention that most movies coming out now are in 3D, which I have mixed feelings about. Sure, Avatar and How to Train Your Dragon use 3D in a sublime and effective way to make you feel more connected to the movie, but Step Up 3D? Really? I guess this will be great for Nike, who can now literally kick us in the face with their shoes. And guess what? The general audience has caught on to this 3D thing. We know it's not a phase so we aren't going to be giving those glasses back after the show; those are going straight into my glovebox. I paid $12 for the movie so I'm keeping a souvenir. Plus, that way I don't need another pair when I go see Jackass 3D.

Jackass 3D movie poster