I have to clear a few things up about cell phone usage with you people. And don't give me that look, because yes, I know this has been written about a million times already, but I have my own way of doing things. From the tweenie flash texter to the geriatric technology handicapped, I have to say that a large majority of you are nothing less then highly irritating with your cell phones. Don't get me wrong, I embrace technology with open arms but there is a difference between "normal usage" and "annoying usage," and unfortunately most of you fall far outside that range and have entered what I like to call "fucktard usage."
So once again, in true PIC fashion, here is a list of cell phone habits, etiquette, and behaviors that make me want to pistol whip you without giving it a second thought.
10. Technology Overload
You have all seen the people that have a pager, a Blackberry, a laptop, and a cell phone in the coffee shop ordering their drink of choice. All of a sudden one of their devices emits an annoying sound, sending them into their best impression of a third base coach—they start molesting themselves and at the same time signal to everyone in the place that they should steal home immediately.
Just because you have diarrhea of the mouth doesn't mean you need to be talking on the phone in the bathroom.First of all, someone will have to explain to me what the hell is the point of having a pager AND a cell phone at the same time. Correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't a cell phone you don't answer then instantly and magically turn into a pager since it displays the number calling you? I understand wanting to stay connected but if you have too many devices on you to answer your phone before I have to hear that annoying song you have set as your ringtone play in its entirety, then you probably have too many.
You may think you look professional and important, but the rest of us think you look completely ridiculous with your utility belt of electronics. Our thoughts are solidified by the spastic seizure you perform when someone tries to contact you on any one of your devices.
9. Speaker Phone in Public
"I feel like we never communicate!!"While we are discussing people and technology in coffee shops, we should talk about the guy at the other table talking on his cell's speaker phone while sitting at the table by himself. His mouth is one inch from the phone and he isn't doing anything with his hands that warrants a speaker phone conversation. Why doesn't he just turn off the speaker and use his phone the traditional way?
In all honesty, I don't know what it is that makes this so annoying because if he was sitting across from an actual person that we could see, no one would care about the fact that they were having a conversation we could hear. But something about the fact that he's on the phone AND we can hear both sides of the conversation is so annoying that it travels up my spine and makes me want to go over and extract his spinal column like the Predator collecting his trophy after a kill. Don't even get me started on those Nextel devices with the annoying little chirping sound accompanying each verbal exchange.
8. Bluetooth Headsets Worn All the Time
"Oh this? Just a little thing my doctor prescribed. Feel free to ignore it."I understand that these little devices are a convenient hands-free system because there are no wires associated with it, but I think they should be removed when the cell phone isn't being used, not worn 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I'm sure the schizophrenics out there appreciate them because now they aren't the only ones walking down the street talking to seemingly nobody. However, it freaks me out when I can't see that thing burrowing into your ear like a Ceti eel (from the Wrath of Kahn) and you start talking out loud randomly while in proximity to me.
Also, there is nothing more annoying then having a conversation with someone face to face and having that little light blinking at you. The entire time I'm talking with you I'm on edge, half expecting you to inject my neck with long needles coming out of your hand while muttering, "WE ARE THE BORG, YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!"
7. Cell Phone Charms
I know I'm going to catch holy hell about this one from my Asian female friends, but sorry ladies, I'm here to say that cell phone charms are VERY annoying. I want to go on record now and state that I, as a heterosexual male, actually allowed a very dear friend of mine to claim my cell phone's "charm virginity" with a so-called "manly" version of one of these ridiculously annoying trinkets. I was a good sport about it and left it on my phone to make her happy until finally it disintegrated and fell off. She is now currently in medical school and thus unable to re-violate my phone, which is still in therapy due to the sexual identity crisis it developed.
I'm sorry my little Mandarin Orange but I have to say I felt like a freakin' cat for the entire time that accursed thing was on my phone, not to mention having to constantly explain to people why a straight guy had one of them. Sure they can be cute on a woman's phone, but they are absolutely odd on a guy's phone. Going out with a group of women who have these things on their phones is a lot like being in a one horse open sleigh with all the damn jingling going on. I know there are lots of euphemisms, parallels, and metaphors surrounding women and cats but please ladies, can we leave the tiny little bells to the ACTUAL kittens? Don't worry, either way you can still purrrrrrr if you desire to.
6. Cell Phones in the Bathroom
"I call this my stream of conciousness."Okay, you know who you are and you know you have to stop. I don't want to hear you answer your phone in the public bathroom anymore and I KNOW FOR A FACT that the person you are talking to doesn't want to hear your bathroom noises while talking to you. It is fucking gross that you are handling your phone before washing your hands, not to mention putting it on your face while doing your business behind that stall. If you can't refrain from answering the phone long enough to take a shit then perhaps you need some serious priority adjustments. You may think you have a loophole based on your conversation skills, but just because you have diarrhea of the mouth doesn't mean you need to be talking on the phone in the bathroom.
5. iPhone Zombies
For the record, yes, I have an iPod Touch, but if you know me personally you likely didn't even know it. You know why? Simple, I didn't have it surgically grafted onto my palm after I acquired it. I admit that I wouldn't mind having an iPhone as well, but Father Merrin and Father Karras would need to do an exorcism on it before I started using it.
What is it about owning an iPhone that turns people into mindless zombies? It's like they lose all ability to think for themselves. You can't drive anywhere without them pulling it out and exclaiming with gitty glee that they now have a map on their phone showing you where to go. "IT'S MY FUCKING HOUSE, I KNOW WHERE I LIVE, IPHONE ZOMBIE!" You can't carry on a conversation with them without them whipping it out and Googling whatever you're talking about to check the validity. "IT'S CALLED A CONVERSATION, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK THAT SHIT UP WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE." I swear the second they purchase their iPhone you can almost see their soul being sucked into it like Shang Tsung's Fatality.
4. The Inability to NOT Answer a Call/Chat or Put Your Phone Away
Which brings me to point number four. You social asshats that can't put down your phone/Blackberry while having a conversation with someone in front of you, need your phone shoved in a place where you can't answer it without the assistance of a proctologist. Try for a second to disconnect from your technology and have a real, in-person conversation, or just don't come to lunch, because you're obviously too busy and on the phone.
I have quite literally sat through entire social situations with multiple people laughing their asses off at what is going on at the party/dinner/lunch and there is one person in the group staring down expressionless at his or her phone typing away the whole time. In addition, I have seen people trip over things, run into people, and all-out maim themselves just to get to their ringing phone. You won't die if you let a call go to voicemail, trust me, I do it all the time. I especially hate the beginning of lunches/dinners where everyone sits down and places their phone on the table like I'm being interviewed by a panel of reporters who don't want to miss a quote. If you're having a meal with someone then put your goddamn phone away because you are not fucking Batman waiting for an emergency call from the commissioner.
3. Walking (Or Rather, Not Walking) and Texting at the Same Time
"Hey, I'm about to lose you, I'm running into a pole…"I type like Flash Gordon on speed and can bury you all in a chat conversation when I use a regular keyboard due to my wit and response time alone. Although somewhere along the way I never honed the skill of typing on a microscopic keyboard; thus, I can't text worth a shit. I am six feet tall with hands to match, which means when you hand me a tiny little cell phone to text on, my thumb covers almost half of the keyboard. However, I can admit my texting inadequacies and realize that it means I just shouldn't do it out in public on the fly.
What I have noticed though is clearly our brains have a limited technology capacity and it seems that the ability to text on the move has replaced other basic gross motor skills. You have all seen someone walking along, staring down at their cell phone, reading their latest exciting text message. Did you know that in London they are starting to pad the lamp posts to avoid texting related injuries? Aside from the fact that these people should watch where they're going, what is worse is when they come to a FULL STOP to reply to the aforementioned text message. Newsflash, if you can't walk and chew bubblegum at the same time then you shouldn't be walking and texting at the same time either, so just put the phone away and get the hell out of my way.
I have quite literally run into some of these human popsicles frozen in time and I think they should be addressed with the same common courtesy they are expressing toward those around them. They should be hockey checked into the street while exclaiming, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you there, I was looking down texting."
2. Silence Your Cell Phone
You know, this list ultimately always turns into a huge cliche because number two and number one are EVERYONE'S number two and number one. Let's use this time to talk about that for a second though.
The whole world agrees on these last two yet EVERYONE still isn't on board. Please explain to me how you don't know that you are the most annoying person in the room/class/theater/world or that you are totally fine with that little gem of a fact. SILENCE YOUR PHONE! Jesus Christ, they even have it in the previews now at all movie theaters so why the hell is your phone ringing during my (ten dollar a ticket) movie? Maybe you don't think anyone will call you during that time but most of you can't seem to disconnect for a second, which tells me you are TOTALLY expecting that call/text, leaving you zero lame excuses.
Don't tell me you didn't think about it either because your mind is on your phone all the time or I wouldn't have had to create this list in the first place. Grow a brain cell and look around you. See all those other people? These people don't want to hear your phone ringing—your first clue is that they are all turned around and glaring at you. Your phone has a silence/vibrate mode—FIND IT, USE IT, or next time when your phone rings during my cinematic adventure I may feel energized by the on-screen action and jump out of my chair like a freakin' ninja and end your life violently while exclaiming, "I BET THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU NOW!"
1. Driving While Texting (or Holding) Your Phone
Predictive accident technology.I'm not sure why we even have to talk about this because everyone finds this annoying, even you. I know for a fact that you have been cut off in traffic or almost killed by an idiot driver on the phone and gotten upset at them, yet you still insist on answering the phone while driving. You have a hands-free device, we know you do, so plug it in and use it or simply don't answer your phone. If you're using your speakerphone then don't hold it one inch from your mouth and feel justified, put the phone on your console and trust in technology. The person on the other end is wondering why you are screaming into your phone anyway and bound to hang up soon out of annoyance.
You can't drive and talk at the same time. You may think you can but I'm sorry to have to tell you this but you are an idiot who can barely drive while NOT on the phone. I have been following behind you in traffic for at least two miles and you have almost killed five people in that time. You can't even walk down the street while using your phone, what possibly made you think you can operate a two ton vehicle while doing it? You simpleton asshole, exactly what are you on that makes you think you can text while driving?!? I hate to be the one to break the news to you but I think you should know that every other person on the road is thinking you suck, including the other jackasses on the phone around you in the other cars. Isn't that funny? They think you suck too. God I love irony.
Hang up the phone or when I get done driving, the next call I will make will be to Gillespie—and trust me, you don't want that because he most certainly has a shotgun in his car next to his dry erase board.