Recently, I finished the anthology Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me. It took me a couple of weeks because I'm a slow reader and I get bored easily. With this book, though, the chapters are like essays, so a few a day were perfect. Reading through the plight of the male psyche, I realize how easy we ladies have it. I once puked in a guy's truck on the way to dinner on our first date, and he still asked for a second date. Another time, I was given a honey-glazed ham by a guy and I didn't even go on a date with him. A whole ham! You fellas just keep giving it your all, even if that means future embarrassment and a loss of dignity.
Don't do the crazy internet jealous thing. And don't date guys who refer to community college as "the man."About halfway through, though, I realized I should have been asked to contribute to this book. Now, I know what you're thinking: she's a solid 10 so there is no way she could have ever been dumped. Well I will have you know that despite my growing collection of Spanish-to-English dictionaries and affinity for getting drunk and watching Perry Mason when I get off work, I get dumped—a lot. I date idiots—a lot. I have life lessons to share, too!
So, with that said, I present to you the things I've learned from the men who've dumped me. Ben Karlin, you can call me up and make me famous now.
1. A Bottle of Rum Doth Not a Love Make
Now, I love drinking with just about anybody. Drinking brings people together who may have had zero in common when sober. Drinking may also result in a year-long relationship of complete and total hell. Yes, I have engaged in this wonderful relationship not just once, but fewer than five times. (Fingers crossed!) It usually starts off great because everyone is drunk and having tons of fun, but the reality of blackout night terrors and waking up on the floor takes its toll. So does listening to rants about his "bitch cunt" ex baby mama, only to find out he sleeps with her when I'm super boring and "psycho," aka sober. In other words, keep your excessive drinking to yourself because in the end, sharing is for kindergarteners and bums.
2. MySpace Official
You kids these days may not know what MySpace is, but back in the day of community college it was way cooler than Facebook. You could change your profile background and add music to your page to express your soul. And you had a Top Friends list so that you could show all of your other unworthy friends just how unimportant they are. When my community college boyfriend decided not to include me in his Top Friends list, I was devastated. He had all of these other girls who he also called and hung out with all the time, but not me. No matter, I thought. I will just play it cool because I am not a crazy jealous girlfriend.
Turns out, at 18, I was exactly that girlfriend. I brought up every opportune moment to mention MySpace and his actions online. We went from romantic bowling dates and gifts of gas station flowers to his disappearing for a week before dumping me in a phone call. Not that that decision was all due to crazy me. Apparently after watching SLC Punk high for the 42nd time, he felt a burning need to explore the world because the institution, aka "the man," was keeping him down. Basically, don't do the crazy internet jealous thing. And don't date guys who refer to community college as "the man."
3. Buy a TV
Okay, so we both loved the show Weeds and I thought "I have no TV, he does have a TV, can this get any more perfect?" And as we were both actually watching Nancy flee with her sons and change their identities, I thought, "This is awesome because not only is he watching this too, but he isn't even touching my boobs!" Then the show ended, and then he wanted to not stop touching my boobs. Then I left, and he got pissed. And this continued for a month. Until he didn't call anymore. And the season had just started!
4. Ghostbusters' Theory on Love
Twice now, I have had guys tell me they loved me after roughly five days of courtship. In my case, I had just met parents and basked in the wonder of the universe in a hammock with a bottle of wine, when those three gigantic words came toppling out before becoming part of a passionate embrace. Or it was in a text message over 500 miles away. Yes, of course, it all makes sense! Especially the part where I was dumped a week later because it was, in his words, just too hard. I wanted to say that it wasn't hard at all. You know what's hard? Not crossing the streams. Egon knew that. And even when you do cross the streams you defeat Gozer and save the city from a destructive, giant marshmallow man, and Rick Moranis is in a dog.
So, you may be thinking that I am definitely a solid 10, but hey, even the awesome ones get shit on. A lot. Repeatedly. Like face-planting it in a truck stop toilet right after Bob had that burr— yeah, you get it.