An intimate look at the ins and outs, he said/she saids, and irreverent monotony of college life at a small liberal arts school.

Column Archives | 2015, 2014, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003

2009 – Present

View current archive (This column has moved)

April 2009

Nobody Knows My Mile-High Sorrows | 4-21-09
My job as a flight attendant sucks. People think I’m zipping around the universe, but the truth is I don’t fly anywhere noteworthy. Never Honolulu, not Cabo, just Canada.


May 2008

Apartment Hunting | 5-12-08
Finding your first apartment is a bigger pain in the ass than purchasing your first car. But it beats living with the parents.


April 2008

The Air Up There | 4-21-08
Some people call flight attendants glorified cocktail waitresses. But only the former has to do all the dirty work herself.

The Wild Card | 4-7-08
Again and again, women make the mistake of falling for men with girlfriends. With the help of a man's cheating seduction.


March 2008

Mr. Sensitive Pants | 3-31-08
Tight, denim pants? What are men thinking when they make attempts at fashion? Just let the girlfriend handle your wardrobe.


February 2008

My New Life as a Flight Attendant | 2-24-08
Flying around the country catering to the needs of whiny passengers has its drawbacks. Fortunately there's humor in all the drama.


January 2008

New Year's Delusion | 1-13-08
Reality check: New Year's Eve courtships do not last, despite the fact that it was totally “the best night ever.” Please spare us the L-word.


December 2007

Moving In Together | 12-9-07
Cohabitation with your boyfriend/girlfriend is complicated. Proceed with caution, and don't expect to pick your nose in bed anymore.


November 2007

Vince Vaughn, Starring Vince Vaughn | 11-11-07
Sure, he pioneered his own genre of films, but this tall, unattractive man (with absolutely no range as an actor) is no Fred Claus.

“I Think We Should Just Be Friends” | 11-4-07
It's the start of the speech everyone will have to give or receive at least once in their life, probably 5 times. Just know, “it's not you, it's me.”


October 2007

The Sad Truth | 10-14-07
First sign your city has a dismal club scene: clubs offer free haircuts on the DJ stage. Second sign: Lindsay Lohan is totally sober.

The Beehive State Capital | 10-7-07
Salt Lake City isn't the easiest place to bar hop, thanks in part to annoying obstacles like bar membership. Hope you like your first pick.


September 2007

My Mother is Driving Me Insane | 9-17-07
If you need help living your life to it's most annoying, this mom is for you! Free early morning wakeup visits and reminders to wear slippers!

Living It Up in Deutschland | 9-3-07
Before heading to youth hostel territory, these middle class college girls get an unexpected taste of luxury in a 5-star Berlin Hilton.


August 2007

Are You Being Served? | 8-27-07
As you size up your stomach, your underpaid server is quietly sizing up your wallet, growing ever resentful of the most annoying job ever.

Sweet Jesus, Those Catholics | 8-6-07
Nothing says mixed signals like a Catholic mass where your priest expedites the worship process so he can catch the Dolphins kick-off.


July 2007

The Chicktionary, Part II | 7-22-07
An update to the official guide on every type of girl on campus now includes those in the business world too, e.g. The Starbucks Prophecy.

Hostage at LAX | 7-9-07
Standby flying? More like sitting around waiting. Here's a running diary of the hectic and annoying prelude to a Los Angeles airport sleepover.


June 2007

Father's Day at the Buffet | 6-24-07
It's a well-known fact that dads like nothing better than to spend an evening gorging on all-you-can-eat food. Don't fight their appetite.

Four Down, Ten to Go | 6-10-07
Two by two, they take the aisle—one couple after the next, narrowing your single friends to a minority. Who will be wedlocked up next?


May 2007

Dissecting Grey's Anatomy | 5-21-07
Welcome to every twenty-something's Thursday night, where we all gather around the TV and live or die by Seattle Grace Hospital.


April 2007

Roommates Gone Hollywood | 4-29-07
Everyone in LA thinks they're going to have their name up in lights someday. Until then, don't use others' razors to shave your chatch.

Romantic Comedy vs. Reality | 4-15-07
The real world is a lot different than sappy chick flicks. Rarely does a corporate yuppie meeting a hippie masseuse result in a happy ending.

An Apt Place to Live | 4-8-07
You'd like to have a condo in the hills with a garage and fridge, and a thriving acting career, but you'll settle for a matching dining room set.


March 2007

The New Boyfriend Syndrome | 3-25-07
When your roommate snags a boy, the rhythm of your relationship is thrown off. Meanwhile, there's is settling into the headboard.

My Worst Date Ever | 3-11-07
Kamikaze shots aren't even enough to neutralize the embarrassment of the double date dinner disaster at this Japanese restaurant.


February 2007

V-Day Aftermath: Excuses, Excuses | 2-25-07
Roses are dead, violets are too, now that it's over, we don't have to wonder what to do. Face it singles, your life wasn't ruined.

Super Bowl, Super Sick | 2-11-07
Even if the big game is in a dome, you can still find yourself under the weather. Throwing up due to alcohol: awesome. Due to cooties: nasty.


January 2007

Welcome to My World, Part II | 1-28-07
To move off-campus isn't to say that the college ways really change. It's just a grownup way of saying, “I tried to move on.”

Do We Really Need Props for this Charade? | 1-7-07
You've landed the leading role in your romantic fantasy, but nobody can coach your emotions once you catch him hitting on the intern.


December 2006

Mini-Feed = Maxi-Frenzy | 12-31-06
You are planning on attending “Sit in my room and check everyone's Facebook profiles BASH!” This is a private event.

Christmas Vacation Quirks | 12-24-06
When your holidays start to feel like a cruel joke, there's not much you can do besides laugh at Chevy Chase's witty charm.

Give My Regards to Broadway | 12-17-06
You may think theater majors have it easy, but your classes don't grade based on the pinch test. Ouch, that's not a passing love handle.

Ring Around the Tubby | 12-3-06
If you got as much ass as a toilet in an apartment with three women, you'd be pretty filthy too. You two should go get tested together.


November 2006

The Phone Number Exchange | 11-22-06
Beneath all the chatter lies one simple objective: get the digits. If only we could reduce the amount of static and interference in this process.


October 2006

Guess Who's Coming to Thanksgiving Dinner | 10-29-06
What holiday meal would be complete without your significant other there to join your family? Probably Mother's or Father's Day dinner.

If You Were Brutally Honest… | 10-15-06
What exactly would you say to friends, family, and significant others if there were no consequences? Spare yourself and read them online.

Stop All This Relationship Drama | 10-1-06
You really have to be insane to be in a relationship. Why else would you talk on the phone for so long and still not have a pizza delivered?


September 2006

Awkward Conversations | 9-24-06
You might not like wince-worthy situations like these, but they are necessary to everyday life. Remember, the safest sex is awkward sex.

Happy Home for a Happy Meal | 9-10-06
When you're designated as the room mom, that means you have a lot of mouths to feed. Are jello shots at the top or bottom of the pyramid?


August 2006

California Dreaming | 8-27-06
Three things you need if you're heading out west: big sunglasses, highly-tuned gaydar, and an earthquake survival toilet bucket.

Making Moves with Freshmen | 8-13-06
Moving into your freshman dorm is a college rite of passage. P.S. Your mom thinks you'll be filling that mini-fridge with vegetables.


July 2006

Emergency Room Service Included | 7-30-06
Your roommate's not breathing because he drank a whole handle and then broke it over his head…. Are you sure you're not pregnant?

Camping at White Trash Disneyland | 7-16-06
The Wisconsin Dells aren't a vacation spot, more like a mole you want removed. Leave your respect at home to make room for more beer.

Old Boyfriends, New Tricks | 7-9-06
Relationships are like puppies: so cute and simple. Only difference is, you can't give that puppy back when it grows into something serious.


June 2006

Back to School Déjà Vu | 6-25-06
If you're lucky, the theme park operator (university) will let you take a free ride (more schooling) on the rollercoaster of drama (college life).

Parental Interference and Intervention | 6-11-06
The “school to home to school” transition can be a rough one. Avoid eye contact with the parents until the check clears.


May 2006

Date, Mate, Hate…Repeat | 5-21-06
We're all just hamsters in a cage, desperately running the same vicious cycle of love. Hate it all you want, the world will keep on turning.

Growing Up | 5-7-06
Like your 6th grade human sexuality videos told you, change can be both frightening and exciting. But eventually, you'll grow to accept it.


April 2006

The Emerald Isle | 4-24-06
There is no map for losing yourself in another culture, but once you get a little Irish in you, it's actually quite “lovely.”

Craziness Before the Storm | 4-9-06
Leaving the country can be a dizzying experience. Especially when you try driving the left side of the road after a Guinness Factory tour.


March 2006

Dirty Little Secrets | 3-26-06
Indulge yourself in the best reader-submitted secrets. Pray that none of them are from your girlfriend or the girl you're cheating on her with.

The Lies We Tell Ourselves | 3-12-06
When you lie to yourself, the only person you're deceiving is…yourself. Funny how such simple concepts get us thru breakups and academics.


February 2006

Primped Out: Cuts, Dyes, and Tans | 2-26-06
Every trip to the salon is another risk of orange streaks in your hair or patches on your body. Hey, as long as the curtains match the carpet.

The L-Bomb | 2-12-06
It may not be any Hiroshima, but the fallout from the word “love” can still rock someone's world. For better or worse remains to be seen.


January 2006

The Atomic Poo: Part Deux | 1-22-06
Rory is back, only this time with more diarrhea and urgency than ever…in Paris. Unfortunately, no language barrier can block this shit.

Theatre Majors | 1-8-06
Possibly the weirdest, most eclectic stereotype, the drama kings and queens have a campus scene all to themselves. Minus the easy-A'ers.

Post-College Life and Workisms | 1-4-06
After you graduate, fun and alcohol come in moderation, and taxes and expenses pile up in abundance. Except rent (thanks mom and dad).


December 2005

Deck the Malls with Crowds of Folly | 12-11-05
Prepare to face the crazed masses as you tackle your holiday shopping. And whatever you do, stay away from the high schoolers.

Your Bathroom: An Intimate Portrait | 12-4-05
It's a complicated place where you can go to cleanse your body and then take a nasty dump, or boot ‘n rally and then brush your teeth.


November 2005

Holiday Dysfuncta-Family | 11-27-05
Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a holiday season filled with family drama, incessant bickering, insane relatives, and genuine home chaos.

Crush ‘n Burn | 11-6-05
The days of passing “yes/no/maybe” notes to your crush during class are over. It's time you graduated to advanced techniques…like beer.


October 2005

Crying All the Way to the Bank | 10-23-05
From long lines and bitchy tellers to ATM troubles and the dreaded overdraft, banking is hardly ever this much of a laughing matter.

Battle of the Soxes | 10-9-05
A closer look at the baseball teams and cultures of Boston and Chicago. Warning: Please do not mix red and white socks at home.


September 2005

Internship vs. Hardship | 9-25-05
Fresh from the real world market, it's all the glitz and glam that comes with being lowest on the corporate ladder: the full-time intern.

Television Obsession | 9-11-05
Through all the semesters and breaks, one thing stays the same: our need to fill every boring, lonely minute with drama and reality shows.


August 2005

Losing the Freshman Fifteen | 8-28-05
Even if you do get up to the energy to keep off (or more likely, get rid of) the freshman fifteen, gym culture isn't exactly a walk in the park.

College-Bound: Great Sexpectations | 8-14-05
Oh to be a freshman again. To re-live the intoxicating moments of free love and impulsive hookups that end up defining your sexual reputation.


July 2005

Check Out My Tat Man | 7-31-05
Piercing holes and spilling ink all over yourself to make a statement? Fine, but at least make sure you know what your tattoos actually say.

Celebrity Encounters | 7-17-05
Everyone fantasizes about being a celebrity occasionally, but the only realistic way to brush with stardom is to crash the tour bus. Duh.

Summer Road Trips | 7-3-05
Sticking it out and staying sane with your friends in the car for extended periods of time requires a common set of ground rules.


June 2005

Graduation: Pomp and Circumstances | 6-19-05
It's your school's last chance to make you suffer, from boring practices and ceremonies to sweltering black robes and family gatherings.

Angst for the Memories | 6-5-05
They say it's the little things in college that make it all worthwhile. Try telling that to the dorm janitor who always cleaned up your puke bits.


May 2005

Wedding Season | 5-22-05
Weddings themselves are a lot of fun, but the commitment behind the ceremony is frightening. Don't touch that ring, she'll be right back.

Happy Freaking Birthday | 5-15-05
Your 21st birthday is momentous. After that, you'll be lucky if friends remember your birthday, more or less force alcohol down your throat.

The Dicktionary | 5-1-05
An encore presentation to the Chicktionary, here's the official guide to every type of guy on your campus. Including the Kevin Federline.


April 2005

Parently Drunk | 4-24-05
When it becomes kosher to drink with your own family, sometimes things can become even more complicated and embarrassing.

The Chicktionary | 4-17-05
The official guide to every type of girl on your campus. Yes, including The Girl With Bad Roots, The Bullhorn, and the Clit Blocker.

Fighting Amongst Ourselves | 4-10-05
Roommates have peculiar ways of expressing their anger at each other. Then again, there's always the traditional “throw things” person.


March 2005

Where in the World? | 3-27-05
Spring Break in Australia falls through and Chicago picks up the slack. But not before physical and emotional baggage gets lost in Sydney.

Let's Go to the Movies | 3-20-05
The complexities of movie nights with friends have grown. From underage groping and sneaking food to date killers and movie buddies.

Senior Nights | 3-13-05
Let's hope you have all your gen eds out of the way come senior year, because your drinking schedule really won't have room for classes.

Park ‘n Ride | 3-6-05
Bad parking? No parking? No problem! At (your school here) we will still sell you overpriced spaces and plaster tickets all over your car!


February 2005

For the Love of Hockey | 2-20-05
What makes hockey such a lovable subculture? Must be a combination of the ice brawls, women, beer, fanatics and cold weather.

Prospy Weekend | 2-6-05
They stick out like sore thumbs, but all they want is to get drunk and taste freedom. Welcome, future freshman sluts and drunks.


January 2005

B is for Bad | 1-30-05
An in-depth look at hookups, friends with benefits, objects of delusional sexual affection and every other dramatic relationship phase.

Pretty Girls, Party Girls, Petty Girls | 1-23-05
Each type of girl has her own detestable qualities, but each type also comes with its advantages. The trick is in the balancing act.

Early Morning Struggles | 1-9-05
When classes start before 10am, things can get ugly. These things include bedhead, roommate interaction, and broken alarm clocks.

Heavy Petting | 1-2-05
For the companion-starved college student, or just the student looking for some extra attention from the ladies, pets weigh in pretty high.


December 2004

Kim's 21st in the Big City | 12-26-04
Simonne captures the bar-hopping celebration of one of her good friend's milestone birthdays in poetic form. ‘Twas the night of drinking.

Home Away from Home | 12-19-04
Winter vacation brings the joy of a real mattress, all-hours TV, tasty cooking…and all the petty annoyances you almost forgot about.

‘Tis Better to Receive | 12-5-04
Conventional wisdom of the heart tells us that giving is the greatest gift of all. But we all know conventional wisdom has deep pockets.


November 2004

The Post T-Day Atomic Poo | 11-28-04
Read a part of #2 history: The Tale of Rory and the Atomic Poo. Caution: Allow an hour before or after eating before reading this.

AIM Profiles 101 | 11-21-04
Everything you need to know to construct a socially acceptable profile, including quote tips, song lyric advice, and cyber-stalking pointers.

Fake ID's: Close Encounters with the Law | 11-14-04
The detailed accounts of three drunken roommates versus bouncers and the police. Hold onto your identities, it's an underage ride.

Spending the Night | 11-7-04
Anything goes between the sheets, but it'd be a lot less awkward if people knew a few basic rules of hooking up and “hanging out” after.


October 2004

The Fashionably Disastrous Shopping Adventure | 10-24-04
It started as a pleasant hunt for 80's clothes, and it spiraled into a department store weather nightmare. Except for the Peruvian girl.

There's Always Plan B | 10-17-04
When all else fails, everyone needs a backup plan. That's why at some point during college, you'll find a hookup known as “Plan B.”

Halloween Costumes | 10-10-04
It's every girl's chance to turn any regular outfit into a slut-tastic excuse for a garment, and every guy's chance to be a jock.

Bar Fights | 10-3-04
Recipe for disaster: 10 parts testosterone, 20 parts alcohol. Combine with pride, dignity, low self-esteem, and hot girls.


September 2004

Wisconsin Life | 9-26-04
The animals provide dairy, the bars provide beer, and the television provides Brett Favre and the Packers. Mix accordingly.

Porn: The Billion Dollar Business | 9-19-04
Simonne goes where every man has gone before, exposing the truth behind every touchy, pornographic indulgence of your college life.

There's One on Every Campus | 9-5-04
He's been there for 6 years, he's never missed a party, and he's out to reek drunken havoc in any way possible. Meet Dane, aka THAT GUY.


August 2004

No Money, Mo' Problems | 8-29-04
Puffy only addressed half of the issues arising from money, or the lack thereof. Because in college, being broke is no joke.

Movies to Hookup By | 8-22-04
It's the only “traditional” form of dating left in college: inviting someone over to hookup halfway through a movie. Here's the rental list.

Conversing with the Parents | 8-15-04
Surprise! Your parents are on the phone and they're downstairs in your dorm. Yeah, something about college and parents just doesn't mix.

Adventures in Babysitting | 8-8-04
A five-day diary of the living hell that is babysitting. Just remember, always make sure the kid is NOT ADHD before taking the job.

Kevin, You Are Such a Disease | 8-1-04
Now is the time to refresh your memory on sickness prevention. Otherwise you're killing precious time otherwise spent drinking.


July 2004

Breaking Up is Hard To Do | 7-25-04
Barring marriage, your relationships must end somehow, and it's always worse getting dumped. Understanding the recovery process will help.

He Said, She Said Bullshit | 7-11-04
If gossip makes the world go round, then you can put small colleges at the center of the universe. Just don't tell the big schools I said that.

An Englishman in America | 7-4-04
What better way to celebrate July 4th than to take a look at the Hugh Grants of America and the power of their English accents over women.


June 2004

The Dreaded Fire Alarm | 6-27-04
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the dorm. But be ready to display your latest hookup to the rest of the building.

Roommates: The More You Know | 6-20-04
Incoming freshman, you have a lot to learn about the ugly roommate situation which lies ahead. You might as well start here with the truth.

The Sketch Factor | 6-6-04
The all-out, end-of-year parties traditionally reaffirm that there IS a line between plain drama, and seriously sketchy.


May 2004

Moving on Up, Moving on Out | 5-23-04
Packing can be a fine art if you want to casually acquire your friends' leftover belongings. Just don't involve your parents in the process.

Death By Downloads | 5-16-04
How long can your computer continue to make sacrifices for your insatiable downloading pleasure before deciding to crash?

The Sunday Morning After Drunk | 5-9-04
The time when all the stuff from Saturday night's escapades comes together in multiple sobering, and often embarrassing, realizations.

Turning 21 | 5-2-04
The most significant night of your college life that you will never remember. That is, if you did things right.


April 2004

Chicks: The Unsolved Mystery | 4-25-04
Even Robert Stack would have a hard time solving this one. But that doesn't mean you can't gain some insight from hearing a girl's perspective.

Away With You | 4-18-04
Sometimes breaking free from AIM to face the outside world is inevitable. But how will you handle your away message?

And By Dating I Mean… | 4-11-04
Just because you're having sex with someone doesn't mean you're dating. That's not to say no one finds true love at college, but I mean… come on.

Kiss and Tell | 4-4-04
At a small school, it's all about sharing the love. Then sharing stories about the love you shared. Okay fine, it's just a good ‘ol fashioned sex column.


March 2004

Raising Your GPA Through STD's and OCB | 3-28-04
At some point, your GPA will mean something. Find out how your hookup record and Old Country Buffet can help motivate you.

Camp Spring Break | 3-21-04
To most of us, Spring Break means beaches and hotels. To a crazy few, it means tents, sleeping bags, and only the barest of essentials.

Finals and Honor Codes | 3-14-04
Look left. Look right. Now look back at your own paper. Don't worry, the professor's not in the room anyway.

Dirrrty Laundry | 3-7-04
From dirtying your threads with all sorts of sinful behavior to using the laundry room as a hookup spot, there's nothing “clean” about the laundry process.


February 2004

Like a Virgin | 2-29-04
Sex may be the main reason we're all here, but it had to start somewhere. And it never plays out like the movies.

Cocktails: The Sequel | 2-22-04
Piecing together a wild, drunken night has never been easy, but with a few clues and a little intuition, memories can be rebuilt…almost.

Slut Bag U | 2-15-04
What defines a slut exactly? Once your a slut, can you ever go back? Simonne expounds upon a touchy subject with musical interludes to boot.

The Ultimate Soundtrack of Our College Lives | 2-8-04
A comprehensive review of the songs that have encompassed every college student's range of powerful partying emotions for years.


January 2004

The Liberal Art of Discussion | 1-25-04
Thank the Gods of college admissions destiny if you go to a school big enough not to have to face regular class participation.

Dissed and Dismissed: Deciphering College Rejection Lines | 1-18-04
For every successful college relationship, there are over 250,000 that never had a chance. Brush up on the language of rejection.

The 411 on Drunk Dialing | 1-11-04
When the drunk try to communicate with the sober, anything can happen. Here are some situations you should avoid at all costs.

Belated New Year's Plans | 1-4-04
Hindsight is 20/20, especially when it comes to the mayhem and confusion of trying to make the most of the last hours of the year.


December 2003

The Infusion of Men and Fashion | 12-28-03
Too much shopping and waiting in line has led Simonne to symbolically categorize the male species by department store and brand.

A Whole Lot of Post-Nasal Drip | 12-21-03
Kicking off winter break under the weather? You're not alone. Parents cancel your cable TV? Wow, you're still not alone.

The Long Ride Home for the Holidays | 12-14-03
The joys of mass transportation and carpooling home from college. Minus the joys.

Part Time Jobs On The Rocks | 12-7-03
Who would have thought you could ever do anything besides waste money at the bar?!


November 2003

Booty Calls: The Spice of Nightlife | 11-30-03
What would late-night be without a drunken cell phone call to push the fun through 'til the morning?

Gluttony & Debauchery: Happy Thanksgiving! | 11-23-03
Thanksgiving: a time when family life clashes with mid-semester life. Also a time to think about post-holiday hookups.

The Stride of Pride, Part II | 11-16-03
Missing clothing, empty cans galore and hungover indecision. Time to get the hell outta…umm, wherever you woke up anyway.

Cocktails and Frat Parties, Part I | 11-9-03
Negligible clothing, alcohol galore, and hand-picked invitations. Sounds like this has the hand-stamped approval of Greek letters.

Dropping Deuces and Sticky Floors | 11-2-03
Student lounges, dorm bathrooms, and taking care of business. This one could get messy. No, really.


October 2003

Welcome to My World | 10-29-03
The lady from Wisconsin speaks her piece. Quiet on the set.


More Like This

Comedy Courses