>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
March 20, 2005

Isn't it hard to actually go to the theater in college? Getting a group of friends together on a Friday night for an early flick is like getting Mark McGwire to actually make a point on Capitol Hill this week instead of harassing the entire sport of baseball. And let's not even start with Sammy Sosa—the entire city of Chicago is just denying his entire existence, and association with the Cubs. And who can blame them, they didn't even understand what he was saying to begin with, ultimately making it easy to forget him. Anyway, getting away from the disaster that is Major League Baseball and back to the disaster that is a movie trip….

When a blockbuster movie comes out it's always so much fun to go with a big group of friends. But then somehow the movie trip becomes the equivalent of a VIP list. Who's going, who's going in what car, who's going to sit by who in the theater—the last one always bugs me. I like sitting next to my best friend in the theater because we can always share a laugh or an inside joke when something happens like Keanu and Sandra boogie boarding off a bus and then kissing in a submerged subway train in the middle of Chinatown. But when you sit next to a guy—especially a guy you like—you feel that even pointing out the most ridiculous and impossible parts of an action scene is going to put you in hookup exile permanently. I don't know about you but I'm pretty sure that when Die Hard came out there were more than a few women who wanted so desperately to question how Bruce Willis could triumph over the terrorist without wearing shoes during movie, but kept their mouth shut instead.

And who are these couples still groping each other in the theater? That was done freshman year of high school when you had no place else to go. But it's a little obvious that you're not at the theater to view the last showing of The Wedding Date on a Tuesday night the fifth week it's out while sitting comfortably in the very last row in the only corner where the light doesn't shine. What is wrong with you people? Can't someone just watch a poorly-made romantic comedy and wallow in their loneliness without hearing your obnoxious sucking sounds?

Even worse than the Grabby McManhandlers in the dark are the middle school girls that come to watch an adult comedy. You know they're not supposed to be there. You know they buy tickets to The Incredibles or Robots and sneak in to see Saw or Butterfly Effect. You long for the days of American Pie when employees carded these free loaders once at the ticket counter and again before entering the movie theater. So throughout the whole movie all you can hear is “Oooooh Ashton Kutcher is soo cute! I want to marry him! (Giggle giggle)” Or,” Ewww Ashton Kutcher your nose is bleeding let me give you a tissue.” Last week when I went to the movies a trailer for Kutcher's new movie Guess Who came on I witnessed three girls waving at the jumbo screen eagerly awaiting Ashton himself to either wave back or step through the screen to accept the marriage proposal of the twelve year olds in the third row.

Here's another awkward situation: The theater is empty except for you and your date. Then one other person enters the theater alone. Empty seats abound, yet this person sits right next to you and your date. And it's obvious you're on a date. You're in a designated couple spot between the dimly lit, but not completely sketchy, dark corner. And there he sits with a his giant tub of popcorn and pop bigger than your Nalgene bottle and a handle of Captain Morgan combined, as if you two don't exist. And you don't know how to handle his intrusion. You can't turn to him and say, “Get the hell out of our row buddy,” because you risk pissing off a sociopath who will kill you before the previews.

So everyone has a movie buddy. The friend who will see a movie with you anytime, anywhere, even if she's in the middle of a take home final. Well that's my girl Casey. And I'm pretty sure we're not the first people to sneak McDonald's and Taco Bell into the theater, but it's a really new concept to us. Do you know how difficult it is to stick blazing hot french fries into your shirt making it look like your pregnant? And the cardboard boxes that run the risk of dropping the Quarter Pounders onto the floor, breaking and ultimately exposing your inability to satisfy your palate with popcorn and sour patch kids you heathen.

Now I know if you're going to get water at the movie theater you should just purchase a bottled water. But when an Aquafina costs a buck less than the student discount ticket, business ethics come into play. But have you noticed at the theater they won't put water into a cup normally reserved for soda? I chocked on my chicken nuggets (which was a bitch to get into the theater in the first place) and walked to the counter for water. They said they couldn't give me a big cup even after I agreed to pay for it and just stick water in it. Instead the fourteen year old cinema badass told me he'd happily give me five tiny cups full of water for free. Yes, because watching me balance five bathroom cup sized waters back to my seat is much more logical than just giving me a big freaking cup. Needless to say there was a nasty mess of ketchup and several miniature waters all over the floor when I left. Fucking cup-hoarding Communist.

Last weekend Casey and I went to see Hitch. There are only two theaters in town where Hitch was playing and we ended up going to wrong one at the wrong time. And it wasn't even the theater with the huge token arcade and air hockey boards. So we sat in the theater for forty five minutes with our Burger King before the movie started and like any college students we put our feet on the seat in front of us. Well the theater started getting packed and no one had the balls to tell us to move our feet. And while I know it's rude, if you're there for an hour and forty-five minutes you don't want someone sitting in front of you completely blocking your view with their NASCAR hat and wandering hands. There's a darkly lit corner right next to the middle schoolers who'd appreciate your presence much more.