>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
March 14, 2004

Remember that professor who said something motivational the first day of class like, “Look left. Look right. One of you will not make it to the final. And the select few who do will be rewarded with the satisfaction of receiving good instruction on the material, but don't expect anything more than a C+ because no one in here is smart enough to get an A.” And you thought something like, “That pompous bastard! I'm going to stay in the class just to prove him wrong.” Then finals roll around and that C+ is looking pretty good compared to the D- your pulling now.

It's great when professors give you a study guide for your final. Any kind of guide available is appreciated greatly, but then there are the professors who hand you a study guide that's three pages long and covers everything that's ever been mentioned the entire term. Like the list of identifications total 50, but only five of them will be on the actual exam. Thanks for narrowing it down for us lady, next time save the paper and just hand us a sheet that says “Study Everything You've Learned—Ever.”

Cramming. I found it's better to cram with people you don't know so well rather than your friends, because not only have these randoms attended more classes than you, but their notebooks aren't filled with doodles and sketches of your professor burning at the stake.

If someone walks up to you and asks if you're in their class, do what George W's mom said and “Just Say No.” Because it's funny to have someone come up to you and ask to borrow your notes, but it's even funnier when you don't realize the reason they're asking you is because they've only showed up to class twice—once the first day of class, and again for the midterm. Now this person's thinking of making a cameo for finals and can't show up empty-handed. He's only in it for one thing and the answer to that is traditionally no.

That's why I think that good note-takers should temporarily take on drug dealer personas around this time. “Psst, hey—hey you…yeah you with the dumb confused expression. What you need? Socialism and Europe? Okay first page is free. If you want anything past the first week it's going to be five bucks a page.”

Believe me some people would really do it. Just say, “Hey you want to be drinking beer next term or working at the Wal-mart watching all your friends buy booze while you pass out in a heap of smiley stickers? That's what I thought asshole, now start counting out those twenties dickhead.”

There's always that one person who pretends she's going to do terrible on the test. You know, the incredibly smart one who is intelligent enough to realize she's been dubbed “the intellect” but still insists she didn't study for the test at all. These people are easily identifiable because they're the only ones not going into a blind panic two minutes after the exams are passed out.

Our professors at LU may be hard-grading assholes, but if you're not there for your final they'll always call you up and let you know you're missing it, instead of calling you up afterward to let you know you've missed it—and as a bonus failed out of school.

The scariest final you'll ever take is the one that the professor never mentions anything about until the day of. He'll walk into the room filled with all 300 students and write something on the board like “Chicago – Dustbowl” and say, “Find the connection. You have three hours.” Then walk out, leaving you stupefied with two options: pray for a higher power to strike you dead where you sit or try to rally up every brain cell that comprehends anything about Chicago. Michael Jordan…Sears Tower… that one CUBS fan trying to catch the fly ball costing them the series….that one girl at O'Donnovan's bar with the great legs….FOCUS! Dustbowl…where's the connection? I have no idea.

I'm sorry I thought we went to college to be taught by people smarter than us. Honestly, who does the administration think they're kidding with these Honor Codes?

One professor left us alone with these parting words: “Remember, your honor is more important than your grade.” And there's always that one guy in the class thinking, “Yeah buddy, going to grad school at night while working an 8-hour shift during the day is so much more rewarding than scamming your way through a couple of tests you didn't study for and ending up at Yale instead.” A little extreme, I know, but this is how stupid people think, and I know this because I hear stupid people speak aloud all the time.

Take home finals are a joke too. Please take the exam that's worth 40% of your grade to an environment where you're surrounded by books, notes, internet, etc. We trust that you're smart enough not to make it super obvious that you cheat.

I'm proud to say that I always follow the honor code. That's my hard earned B- damnit. But even though I know other people cheat, can you all please not make it so obvious? During a multiple choice test my freshman year I saw this one kid finish up his exam, leave it on his chair, take his coat, walk out, return 10 minutes later and flip back through his exam editing answers. I'm sure he'll choose a career with the answers right in front him, like a second grade teacher.

As for me, I don't believe in panicking. I refuse to lose self-control until I see the dumb kid in the back of the class whip out flash cards five days before the test. At which point it finally hits me that I need to study….now.

Getting A Job – Passing Finals
Make the connection. You have 3 hours.


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