>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen

December 31, 2006

Simonne is currently annoyed with Facebook.

I’ve said it a million times: Facebook should have stayed a strictly collegiate community. But more importantly, it should have done away with those mini-feeds. Mini-feeds are the new US Weekly for you own network of friends. And much like US Weekly, everything is thrown out of proportion by its readers.

A simple, “Sharon wrote on Heather’s wall”:

“Hey Purple Hooter! Last night was so much fun.
What happened to you and John after he
walked you home from the party? I can’t
remember shit. See you at dinner!”

First of all why do girls insist on ditching their girlfriends’ real names and calling them by the name of their favorite shot? You don’t see guys starting notes on their buddy’s wall with, “Hey Slippery Nipple….”

“Some girls announce to their roommates in utter ecstasy that Josh McHottie from Theta McBeta updated his profile.”

Second, Sharon’s note to Heather may have been harmless; a typical girl admitting she blacked out on her friend’s wall. But there are those who take this wall too seriously. Like Jennifer. Jennifer may just be signing on just to upload pictures from the latest campus theme party when she’s greeted by a screen of the latest deeds her friends are up to. Jennifer reads what Shannon wrote. Jennifer’s heart leaps into her throat. Jennifer then goes postal.

Thousands of unanswerable questions run through Jennifer’s head. Why was John out with Heather last night? He said he was going out with the guys! Did Heather deliberately seek him out at the bars? And why does Shannon have to announce to the world she can’t hold her liquor on everyone’s wall. WE KNOW ALREADY! That’s when she and every other girl that has the hots for John starts to stalk both Heather and John’s walls, scanning madly for more details that may clear up the ambiguity of Shannon’s original note.

Because that’s what girls do. They check out the relationship status mini-fedd of their crush every day. They check it out when they’re kinda seeing someone to see if he’s changed his single status, and they check it out even when they’re in a serious relationship with someone, just wishing that the creators of Facebook would establish labels for the serious relationship like, “Happy in a relationship with,” or “Deliriously happy in a relationship with” and “Shopping around for a ring happy in this relationship with.” Whereas guys wish that whole relationship identification portion of Facebook would just disappear. After all, he lets you use his toothbrush—that should be enough.

Then there are the relationship status mini-feeds that make even the most normal of girls go a little nutty. You could be minding your own business, not having even looked at your ex’s profile in months, when all of sudden you sign on and there it is: the mini-feed that says your ex is currently in a relationship. And never could you imagine a little red candy-colored heart could contain the force of such a big, out-of-control, yellow school bus.

We’ve all suffered that fantastic stomach dropping ache when we see someone we once cared for happy and with someone new hanging out around campus. But now, with the miracle of Facebook, even alums can feel that same pain when they’re thousands of miles away, at a new job, and have created a whole new life for themselves. We can get visited by the ghost of relationship past, and what’s worse, we can only blame ourselves because we signed up for it.

It’s scary how fast everyone goes from “well-adjusted adult” to “complete and total stalker.” Thank god the mini-feeds don’t tell you how many times someone visited your profile each day. I know some girls who announce to their roommates in utter ecstasy that the Josh McHottie from Theta McBeta updated his profile, when he literally only changed his favorite bands list—but it now includes the band who played the song that was on in the background as the two of them were chatting at the mixer the day before, which has to be a sign he likes her right? Sure it is. Why would he ask for your number when he can just change his favorite music on his profile in hopes you’ll crack the code?

Then there are the announcements about who is attending what event on which day. “Daniel and Cal are attending the NEW YEAR’S EXTRAVAGANZA BASH presented by Hooters,” or “Nick and Tony are attending FUNK SUPERBOWL PARTY presented by the Golden Helmet,” or “Angie and Scott are attending the VALENTINE’S BALL presented by Angie.” It’s like confirmation and validation to everyone that we have a social life. Who gives a shit what anyone is going to? No one. Unless there’s a mini-feed that reads, “Jack is SITTING ON HIS ASS EATING NACHOS PLAYING HIS PS3 presented by his mom.” Then no one will truly believe you’re a loser. I promise.

Mini-feeds wouldn’t be so bad if the updates weren’t so trivial. Kevin added “stamp licking” to his favorite interests. Travis’ favorite quote includes, “Always wipe twice.” Jackie joined the group, “I went to Private School Biatch!” They should have the updates include only interesting things that are equally funny and embarrassing. Like, “Donald sharted in his pants on his first date with Julie,” “Tammy is conducting a breast exam…on her dog,” or “Court gagged Justin with a pink tie and demanded he kiss his foot.”

After all, does it really truly matter that…

Simonne has finished writing her article.

Simonne is watching Three’s Company reruns.

Simonne has switched to Growing Pains reruns to see if it was the later ones with Leo Dicaprio.

Simonne turned off the TV bummed.

Simonne brushed her teeth and plucked her eyebrows.

Simonne got into bed.

Simonne tooted.

Probably not.