>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
December 28, 2003

You know what most women do during the holiday season? Wait in line. We wait in line at the grocery store, at the department store, at the movies, and in traffic. We even wait in a monstrous line for the bathroom. Have you seen this phenomenon? The line for the toilet travels down the stairs out of the department store into the food court where it runs parallel with another bathroom line—and if you're truly unlucky, crisscrosses with a line full of children where you suddenly find yourself mingled with the Santa line. Which, as anyone who's been in this line knows, leads to tubby double agent with fake whiskers, aka Santa/Toilet. The worst part of waiting in the potty line are the people whose asses can't help but share their special smelly gift with everyone downwind of them.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

While I was doing all this waiting I did some contemplating and came up with a somewhat disillusioned theory that men, women and their relationships are a lot like clothes. Work with me here, I've been shopping all flipping week, I haven't had much to work with.

The Old Navy Man (“Old” being the operative word)

The Old Navy man is affordably priced, but overly-available in plenty of sizes and colors. Basically everyone has one. (Remember that performance fleece? When Fran Drescher wasn't involved in the commercial process it almost put them in financial ruin.) The Old Navy is a fun fling that can usually carry you through one season, but by next season looks old, worn, and misshapen from its original fit. He can also fall apart at the seams when needed most. Sometimes durable, often cheaply made. It's a hit or miss really, and his accessories aren't of the highest quality—but for a season does it really matter? No. You wear him around. Your friends wear him around. Everyone wears him out. Just make sure he's clean before every use.

GAP Man

This is a slightly confusing model. Although the GAP Man always possesses a classic look accessible for a variety of occasions, it can often be difficult to determine whether or not he plays well with others or is strictly a team player for his one-sexed league. Regardless of sexual preference he's a classic look that never goes out of style. He may be a little more expensive, but the quality is much better than the Old Navy module. So, if hetero, it's worth the effort—if not, keep for a shopping partner. Gaps are lifers in terms of seasonal usage.

Banana Republic Man

This polished looking man often comes off snobby, but deep down he knows that the Burberry Man is much more elitist. In the Banana-rama man's defense, he tends to be a little more grounded and modest than others. These men are made up of a fine quality that can last for years rather than seasons. Sometimes they may get a little cocky and believe they can juggle more than one lady at a time, but they don't stay over-accessorized for too long. Lays right on the edge of the high maintenance border, but for the most part the material is of good reliable quality. Very stylish and can be used at a variety of occasions. Social drinker only. Tendency to chain smoke.

Sporty Spice

Never emerges from the house in anything but sports apparel. You're not entirely sure if he even owns a pair of jeans because you've never seen him when he's not working out or studying in class. You'd like to imagine those abs and pecs flexed underneath something other than a sweat-covered t-shirt (like your body), but somehow you can't picture him sporting a pair of khakis. While Sporty Spice makes a great workout buddy, I wouldn't pressure him into taking you to a barn dance or semi-formal anytime soon. Also does not tend to consume alcohol on the binge drinking level. But don't let that get your hopes down. Sporty Spice makes a great rebound since he's usually known for scoring over and over again in the sack.

Abercrombie Man-Boy

Highschooler who tries to pass off for a college freshman by sporting duds you know were being fashioned off by the mannequin in the store window.

Polo Perfection

Looks good in anything, anytime, anywhere. Usually reels girls in with his looks and smiles more than his wardrobe. Does not necessarily have the best sculpted body but makes up for it with killer personality and sense of humor. The last of a dying breed so if you find one snatch him up quick, because even if he's only looking for something casual it's an overall good time. Can sometimes be too confident in his kissing style, but is easily trainable should that rarity surface. Smells good all the time and from what I saw, enjoys holding hands in public.

And for the hell of it let's throw a woman into the mix…

The Tiffany Woman

The Tiffany's Chic roams freely in high maintenance territory. She is envied by everyone except for Sporty Spice, who only envies her personal trainer who does house calls. I'm not too familiar with this model seeing as I've only encountered it twice. The first time she was exiting Cartier wearing a small tierra and leading an over-dressed entourage. The second time she nearly ran over me trying to get into Tiffany's herself. Once inside the jewelry shop she was with her grandfather—until they smooched, and then with confirmation of tongue—at which point I realized that the Tiffany Chic requires a minimum of two body guards or old men, money in tow.

So while some women balance the plethora of clothes in hand or husband's money in checkbook while waiting in line, I have come up with a theory directly correlating men and department stores. Now if only there was a way to return, purchase, and upgrade these models instead of waiting for one to come around—that my friend would be the only line worth waiting in.


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