>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
January 11, 2004

Communications majors should know that drunk dialing has a fascinating history. It all began with the postal service, when drunkenly written letters were being delivered across the big blue ocean. Eventually there was a great deal of incomprehensible tapping going on through morse code, “The lazy dog got it up butt from the fox.” (I hope some of you got that one.) And finally, the most convenient form of communication for the eternally wasted, the telephone. I'm sure Alexander Graham Bell would be proud to know his invention had forever changed the way the drunk communicate with the sober.

You know why girls always want to see your cell phone? They want to know whose numbers are saved in your mobile. You may see them ooohing and ahhing at the colored screen and hear them claiming to be looking for games, but what they're really doing is going through your history of outgoing and incoming calls. Then they proceed to scroll through everyone in your personal directory silently but in their minds saying, “Hmmm, slut, slut, slut, slut, guy, guy, slut, guy, home, slut, slut, guy, slut, guy, guy, slut, mom, slut.”

What I don't understand though, is how someone can remember a phone number piss drunk, be able to dial it and carry on a conversation, but can't remember sharing intimate stories of their youth along with their entire sexual history the next day. That's why there ought to be designated dialers. There are already designated drivers, so why not assign a designated dialer early in the night to handle all your calls too? “Hello this is Jan, I'm calling on behalf of Rachael, she is to wasted to speak to you personally right now, but she says hi and ends her love for you.”

Designated dialers would be responsible for preventing drunks from pushing buttons on their phone, and if necessary, for literally breaking your hands off to prevent the following situations:

1. Calling up an ex you just broke up with.

“(Singing) Hi, I just called to say, I love you.” And I mean it from the bottom of my inebriated heart. The ex—who is more than likely still emotionally attached—stays on the line attempting to reason with you. “You're drunk. Just drink some water, go to bed, and please call me in the morning to let me know that you've made it through the night.” You slur something that sounds like a mixture of okay and yes—”yokeys”—before passing out with him still on the line yelling a bit too emotionally, “Promise? Promise you'll call me tomorrow? Please remember.” Sure buddy I'll remember—when I check my outgoing call history and avoid your five voicemails.

2. Calling up an ex that just broke up with you.

Ah yes. The biggest call you will ever make and regret in your lifetime. Ahem, it goes something like this: “Where did we go wrong? I was happy. Truly happy with you. I miss you cuddling with me! I just want someone to cuddle with!” Then as he/she begins to end this one-sided sob-fest of a conversation you begin quoting the depressing love songs you've been pathetically listening to since the breakup. “Josh. I can see clearly now, I give you take.” “Take your records, take your freedom, take your memories I don't need them!” “I want to be your everything!” And by the next morning not only will you be looking for Advil, you'll be scrounging around desperately for pieces of your dignity.

P.S. You left them at the bar where you made this call. Good luck trying to find them.

Intoxicated girls say the dumbest things like, ‘Hey Kimmy, you remind me of Kimmy Gibler from Full House—skinny, stupid, and slutty. Just thought you should know. (Click)'

3. Pushing the enemy's buttons.

Let's face it girls, it's been happening to us since grade school. There's always someone out there you love to hate, and who loves to hate you. And since you're in college you're lucky enough to know her room phone number, possibly even her cell phone digits if you were able to go through your guy friend's directory earlier. If you're on a big campus the odds of you getting caught are slim to none. On a small campus it doesn't take much detective work to figure out who's whispering croakily on the other end. And intoxicated girls say the dumbest things like: “Hi Kimmy you don't know me, but I hear your boyfriend has a small penis. How sad for you. (Click)” Or, “Hey Kimmy, you remind me of Kimmy Gibbler from Full House—skinny, stupid and slutty. Just thought you should know. (Click)” Sure we think it's a super creative idea at the time, but you forgot to press *67 and now she has your mobile. And as the Rules of Engagement go, she now has the right to enter cellular warfare. Just be ready for a 7AM wakeup call from her heart to yours.

3. Phoning home—not yours, your girlfriend's.

Guys have the tendency to be illiterate when drunk and don't always recognize the vast difference between calling, “Megan Home” and “Megan Cell.” If you have your girlfriend's home number in there you're clearly in some sort of serious to semi-serious relationship. Calling up her home number wasted will remedy that promptly. I dated this one guy who left a slurred message on my parent's machine at 3 in the morning. “Hey I am looking for Simonne. (3 minute pause) Is she there? (Dead air) Well I would like to leave a message then. (Silence) Okay thank you. (Click)” Had it not have been for his easily identifiable voice I could have gotten away with saying it was one of my guy friends and not the well dressed, alcohol-ignoring individual at my grandma's 80th surprise party.

4. Checking excess baggage with a friend.

Emotional drunks are the worst kind ever. And by emotional I mean criers. The violent ones just wear themselves out fighting each other, but the saps full of crap can push through 'til dawn sobbing about their problems. “Kimmy doesn't like me anymore and I don't know why!” “The bartender gave everyone free shots but me!” “Josh hasn't called me either and it's been three days, but that doesn't matter because Zack is my true love and I let him go. Maybe I should call him!” “Don't tell anyone but I think Keanu Reeves is a great actor.”

5. Ordering food.

This smashed individual sounds something like Johnny Depp's character in Pirates of the Caribbean—believable, but a little off his rocker. “Yes Dominoes, I'd like to order two medium pizzas please. Well I would like it delivered, but we're in a moving vehicle right now. Will that be a problem? Aaaarrrgghh.”

6. Secret confessions.

Unlike the emotional baggage mention in number four, the confessor must drunkenly profess and declare every dramatic thought flowing through his/her dramatic little mind. And god knows it's usually an anonymous, “Hi you don't know me but I have noticed you and wanted to tell you that I think you're beautiful and that I have secretly fallen in love with you. (Giggle giggle giggle, followed by an immediate click)” Girls are guilty of this more than guys and will be forever. Period.

So here's a quick college late-night analysis. You know you're an alcoholic if you wake up clutching a cold unopened beer can in the morning. You know you're a drunk dialer when you wake up clutching your cell phone in one hand and you're portable under your pillow. If you're doing both, well then pick a hobby. No one likes an overachiever—Kimmy! (Click)