Simon Says

A modern twist on an age-old children’s game. Follow these simple instructions and get ahead in the game of life.

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Simon says put your right hand on your heart and recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

Now that you have pledged your allegiance to this great nation, get on your knees and say this quick prayer: “Dear Lord, please help this country by giving us the most handsome president you can find, so that we can compete with Canada and be great again. Thank you and Amen.”

Why are you on your knees with your hand on your heart? Praying isn’t the sort of thing Simon would mandate. But yes, Justin is one fiiiiiine prime minister, so it’s worth a prayer or two for a looker like him, even if it means blowing the game.

Simon says don’t pray, vote! First, decide if you’re going to vote by mail or in person.

Simon says if you’re voting by mail, make sure to read and follow every instruction, or your ballot could get tossed out. Whether the instruction tells you to sign the back of your envelope, put your ballot in an inner envelope, or rename your first-born “Simon,” do it! That’s why we’re playing this game: so you can get used to following picky little instructions made up by bureaucrats and Congressmen.

Simon says if you’re voting in person, decide if you're voting early or on election day. If you can, it’s better to vote during the early voting period, so if crazy things happen that keep you from voting on one day, you still have time to vote on another.

Simon says if you don’t know where to vote, call your local elections office. Ask them when and where you can vote.

Also, ask them what they’re wearing.

ABORT! Simon didn’t say that last part. Don’t ask them that. Don’t ever ask anyone that—geez.

If you’re too sleepy on the day you planned to vote, if the lines are too long, if the voting machines break down, or if you can’t find your bra because you haven’t worn one in months and you never go out the door without a mask bra, then I guess you can’t vote this year. Say to yourself, “Oh well, I tried,” and go watch The Real Housewives.

Good job, there! You didn’t even turn on the TV. I should’ve picked a better show if I wanted to get that one past you. Schitt’s Creek perhaps?

So you’re headed to vote. Gather up everything you’ll need at the polls: your dog’s pedigree papers, your car title, and your last health insurance Explanation of Benefits.

Good job again! While there's lots of bad information out there about voting, you clearly aren't someone to fall for silly distractions.

Simon says grab only the papers you need to vote: your driver's license, your voter registration card, or whatever your state requires.

Simon says march yourself into that voting booth and put some fire under your arse about it!

If you still don't know who to vote for, that's okay. Voting isn't a vital part of democracy anyway, and barely anyone fought for your right to vote.

That was sarcasm! Looks like most of you got it that time. Nice work. I see we have some good little patriots here.

But really, you still don’t know who to vote for? Still? What other information you could possibly need?

Simon says stop being a big baby and just fucking vote, okay?